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Ridiculous Parenting Products
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Thudguard Infant Safety Hat
We've all joked about outfitting an unsteady toddler in a helmet—but we weren't serious! No one wants to put their baby at (very low) risk for a head injury, but a few bumps and bruises seem like just part of the trial-and-error of learning to walk.
Time Out Pad
We're all for time outs, but a special pad that times it, makes sounds, and turns the whole thing into a game? We're thinking a chair against the wall plus an egg timer works just fine.
Cardboard Customizable Cot
If you want to put your baby to sleep in a cardboard box, we've got several in the recycling bin—plus we won't charge you $250+!
Bébésounds Nasal Clear Battery Operated Nasal Aspirator
The words "battery operated" and "nasal aspirator" just shouldn't go together. Babies are generally not a fan of aspirators—can you imagine your kiddo's terror if the thing buzzed and vibrated too?
Zaky Infant Pillow
We can't help but get creeped out looking at these disembodied hands cradling a baby. Even worse—they strike us as a blatant SIDS risk.
Swarovski Rainbow Sparkle Silicone Pacifier
Does a baby really need bling? And does said bling have to go in her mouth? In fact, some bedazzled binkies have already been recalled, so definitely skip this one.
65-twig Crayons Set
These are gorgeously rustic. But they're also $150...for crayons—that you can't sharpen without a pocketknife.
You thought a regular-sized sonogram was hard to make out—what about one that's the size of a dime? Our tip: wait until the baby's born, and treat Dad to cufflinks featuring a sweet baby photo instead.
Her First High Heels
Kids grow up so fast already—we don't need to speed it up by dressing babies in adult-looking heels (even if you're Suri Cruise and those T-straps are designed by Marc Jacobs)
This tube is meant to act as a pee receptacle for potty training little boys so they don't spray the seat (or their shoes). We're not convinced that holding and then dumping a tube of your kid's pee is much more sanitary than just wiping down the toilet seat afterward. The makers say it also works as emergency toilet when you're on the go. Don't we have trees for that?
Ritmo Advanced Pregnancy Sound System
We all want to give our baby the best start, but do you really need a $130 belly sound system to do so? We think not.
Although it does present a pretty irresistible photo op—baby in a bucket!—we're not sure that a $45 plastic bucket is really necessary to bathe your baby, even if it does keep him warmer. It claims to work up until 35 pounds, but that seems like it would be pushing it.
Sperm Pin and Earrings
Is that a sperm on your lapel? We know that when you're TTC, it's pretty much all you can think about, but do you have to make everyone else think about it too?
These mittens cover little hands so they don't get germy in the bathroom. While we're icked out by public bathrooms too, washing up with soap and water afterward should de-germ little hands without encouraging OCD.
Designer Hospital Gowns
We admit: these are kind of cute. However, we're pretty sure you won't care a lick about how you look when you're giving birth (you'll be a too busy sweating, grunting and swearing at your husband to look in the mirror). And given, uh, the fluids that will be spilled all over that thing, do you really want to drop $68?
How ever have we managed generations of horsey rides without this strap-on saddle for (poor) Dad?
Hot Dog Slicer
Choking is no joking matter, and hot dogs are, sadly, a common culprit. What is laughable: spending almost $7 to save, say, the 8 seconds it takes to cut up a hot dog with a regular old knife.
Although there are probably a few kids who truly need one of these, most kids should just be taught to hold hands and stay where their parents can see them rather than be treated like the family pet.
Yes, gloves get lost easily, but isn't the answer buying another pair you can use anytime, anywhere rather than this silly stroller hand warmer?
Pee Pee Teepee
In theory, this is a great idea to keep parents from getting whizzed on during diaper changes. In practice, babies squirm like crazy, knocking this wee cone right off. A spare, ready-for-the-wash-anyway burp cloth works just as well—and absorbs too.
Plush Pee and Poo Duo
You've got to have a sense of humor about bodily functions when you have kids, but plushies in the shape of doo-doo? The only thing less cuddly is a placenta.