(Not So) Social Butterflies
March 12, 2010
So Lila gets an invitation to a schoolmate’s birthday sleepover and before she can tumble off the bus good, she’s shoving the little glossy card in my hand: “Can I go, please, please, puh-leeze, Mommy?”
All that begging and you’d think I don’t let her go anywhere.
And er, um, you’d be right.
Yes, I raise my hand and readily admit that I’m a play date blocker. Like, on the highest levels. If I don’t know your mama, I haven’t been to your house for any significant length of time, I haven’t a clue who all lives there, and your kid’s home-training is a little questionable? Nope—my kid’s not coming over.
Think this is a little excessive? Eh, not in my book. See, my mother was the same way—would look at me like I had four tongues and an extra set of teeth if I fixed my mouth to ask if I could hang out with someone other than her pre-approved list of kids. As far as she was concerned, I didn’t need any more stinking friends. Every last one of the ones she’d hooked me up with went to our church—the children of my mom’s long-time girlfriends. On Saturdays, we kids all hung out at the bowling alley, chewing on steak fries and scrounging for quarters for another game of Ms. Pac Man and Centipede while our parents slammed their bowling balls at the pins. If the ‘rents were feeling particularly randy, we’d all end up in someone’s basement, playing Monopoly and Connect Four and eating bowls of chitlins and collards while our parents talked and laughed about grown-up stuff with the other grown-up folk. And on Sundays, we all shared the same pews—reciting our Bible verses together and singing in the youth choir.
Those kids—they were family. Fully vetted. Millner endorsed. A decent bunch. Mommy could leave me at any one of their houses and trust that I was being well cared for, nobody was filling my head with nonsense or saying and doing inappropriate things in front of me or to me, and when she picked me up, I was a reasonably happy camper—the same kid she dropped off.
These days, things just ain’t the same. Moms are dressing up their 10-year-olds in skin tight skinny jeans and high heeled shoes (like my Nick wrote about HERE), letting them surf the internet unchecked, and parking them in front of the TV to watch whatever, without any concern for the messages their kids—and mine!—are picking up from wholly inappropriate shows. Heck, go on YouTube and search “Stanky Leg,” and see how many videos you find of babies in diapers, dropping it like it’s hot to that explicit song—all-too-many of them in front of video cameras operated by their mamas (like in THIS ONE).
Right.
All I’m saying is there are a scary amount of parents out there who can, in an evening, defile my kids in ways that are wholly intangible until my girls are standing in front of their grandfather, surfing YouTube, quoting Lil’ Wayne, doing the Stanky Leg and begging for stilettos.
No ma’am—I can’t have that. Lila and Mari are my pride and joy, and their parents work too hard to let them enjoy being little girls to have it all ruined during the course of a sleepover.
Which was a little hard to explain to the 7-year-old, who really just wanted to hit her friend’s slumber party hard—overdose on pizza and cake frosting and giggle through the night with her fellow 2nd graders. I sympathized with her plight, but yeah, sleeping over at that girl’s house was a no-go.
Luckily, my dear friend Gretchen, who is every bit as concerned about such things as I when it comes to her Maggie—Lila’s best friend—came up with the brilliant idea to let our girls go to the party and stay until cake was served, then retire to their own private little slumber party over at Gretchen’s house, where the girls could have plenty of age-appropriate play, be in bed by a decent hour, and I could trust that my kid would come home the same sweet, innocent, 7-year-old Lila as when she left our house.
So yeah, I draw my lines a little differently from a few of the other moms around my way. And my girls may think I’m a little too old school—a little too strict when it comes to scrutinizing who has the honor and privilege of my girls’ company.
But hey—that’s why they’re the kids and I’m the mom.
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Totally Agree and Mine is even older...
Denene, I totally agree with you. My oldest will be ten soon and she still has not spent the night at some of her friends' homes because I have not vetted them, there homes, etc. I invite all of her friends and their parents to stop by our house whenever they to vet me and mine. There is no shame in my game. I want my kids to be with parents that will care for them as I would. And I certainly would never think to expose someone else's child to anything untoward at my home either. I have cut my kids off from staying at a relative's home for some issues that were not cool in my book. It is sad, but in this day and age, we must be extra vigilant and careful. It goes well beyond stranger danger. Some of the worse are those we know.
I think being vigilant and
I think being vigilant and meeting the other kids' parents, etc. is definitely a must, especially at age 7. But at the same time, you won't be able to protect your child from everything that comes along, especially as they become older. I don't think one night where something you wouldn't 100% approve of happens (a little inappropriate music, a movie you wouldn't have OK'd) is going to ruin your child forever and ever. I think the most important thing parents can do is to raise children well in their own homes, teach them about safety, keep the lines of communication openand teach them about right and wrong. That way, when they are in a situation--which is bound to happen, I don't care how fully you think you've "vetted" the situation--they will know how to act and what to do. Protect, don't smother.
Sleepovers
My mom didn't even let me go to sleepovers until I was twelve. It was insane. So at least your not as crazy as my mom. (not to say I'm not totally crazy- I think 7-8 is totally reasonable for a sleepover, but if it were my kid, I'd probably just get to know this other parent and then assess if she can stay the night or not)
Way to go Denene
Ok, wow!!! I really can't believe some of these comments. I applaud you Denene. I was raised the exact same way as you and I turned out just fine. You CAN'T afford not to monitor your children's friends and situations. Of course we all know that this isn't possible or likely that you will do it forever, but good for you for being a responsible PARENT. Lila is 7 and quite frankly that is young. My girls are 9 and 11 and they already know the deal. We can't risk them getting exposed to non-age appropriate material, bad parenting choices or possible molestation. Umm, if I don't KNOW (not just meet) the parents that also means I don't know who else is living or staying with them and there are some sketchy people out there. I know can't always protect them, but I can sure try to nip in the bud some things I don't approve of or agree with.
I totally agree with you. No
I totally agree with you. No play dates for my son unless I am there too. There's nothing wrong with being conservative when it comes to your kids. No one is going to look out for your children the way you would.
Well said...
And I totally agree. Parents, especially nowadays, have got to be actual parents. Just today, some ladies in my office were discussing how they HAVE to stay on top of their kids' education in public schools or they fall through the cracks. It is so overwhelmingly sad that is has to be like this, but it just does. I am not a mother yet (been trying for about a year now) but I know I will be the same way. As a victim of sexual abuse as a kid, I know all too well the dangers out there. And unfortunately they are not all of the unknown, mine was an uncle. So let's just say I totally feel the same way you feel. Kids need to be kids for as long as they can. Thanks for your post. I hope lots of parents read it and take heed.
I can completely understand
I can completely understand not letting her stay over night at an unknown person's house. However letting her have a sleepover with another child that was also going to the party essentially creating their own "party" and clique, that I do not agree with.
Think about the child who's party this is who doesn't understand why some of her friends are allowed at sleepovers but just not at her house. What if that was your daughter being excluded?
@Anonymous
Lila and Maggie are best friends and hardly constitute a "clique." Obviously, the girls were asked to be discreet about their after-party plans; they didn't share the information with anyone. However, if someone at the birthday party did get wind of it, I wouldn't have had a problem telling the mother that Lila wasn't spending the night there because she's 7 and isn't ready for sleepovers at homes at which she's never been. And honestly, I'm not really concerned with anyone else's feelings; I'm concerned about my daughters' safety and what she's ready for. She's spent the night at Gretchen's house. She'd never even seen the inside of the birthday girl's house until the birthday party. Honestly, it kinda weirded me out that the birthday girl's mom invited my daughter to spend the night even though she doesn't know anything about me or my kid beyond our first and last names. But that's just me.
Uhh..Me 2
Great post. Our moms must be twins because I was only allowed to hang with pre-approved kids, whose parents my mother had strong relationships with, too. And I'm raising my 3-year old the same way. In fact she hasn't spent the night without her parents anywhere else but with pre-approved relatives (cause you can't choose who you're related to, and some of your relations can be kookier than anyone else - you feel me?). Good going Denene! Keep up the good parenting, and keep sharing your choices. They encourage us who feel the same and give us something to think about when we don't.
Kris and I echo your
Kris and I echo your sentiment completely. We are very particular about who our children are around, and at ages 6 and 4, sleepovers at anybody's house—save for grandparents—are still unheard of. Simply put, until we're ready, they're not ready! For us, hanging out, sleepovers, etc. are part and parcel of the "Village" mentality when it comes to raising children.
Like your mom, we believe in a vetted core group, and we are still working that out, 'cause, well...we're picky, dammit! There's enough madness poured upon our children in school, and there's no reason not to take control of the areas we can.
Currently, the majority of our friends aren't yet parents, and the few who are, live in another state. Because of this, our girls get most of their social buzz on via school, mommy/kiddo meetup groups in which I participate, and playdates. But as we grow, our hope is to facilitate a village environment filled with dynamic people who are raising amazing children. We've got the amazing adults part on lock (because our friends rock!), now to get more of them to start pro-creating...haha!
I 100% agree!
I too was raised by parents who had a select group of pre-approved kids with whom I could hang out. Now that I am a parent to a beautiful 4.5 year old girl, I am raising her the same way. It's not about smothering but about protecting our very precious children. Unfortunately we cannot protect them from all dangers in the world, however, we can be PARENTS and set the rules. Inviting a child to a sleep-over when you know NOTHING about that child, her parents, her home-life, except her and her parents' names is just a bit too risky. Since you, Denene, have not had the pleasure of meeting this child's parents, been to their home and therefore have no idea what their child-rearing philosphy is I applaud you with the decision to say no to the sleepover. I would (and plan to) do the same thing when the time arises. So far, the only sleepovers allowed for my precious angel with family and a very close friend who is like family. There is nothing wrong with being selective!
@Kaela'sMom
EXACTLY! I don't think I'm smothering my children at all. I'm being selective and, more importantly, aware. Of course I know that kids will do inappropriate things when parents aren't around, and I do talk CONSTANTLY to my children about what is right, what is wrong, and what is acceptable in and out of our home. They also know that I have high expectations for them, and that when they're not in my or my husband's presence, I expect them to conduct themselves like they have home training because they will be around like-minded parents who expect them to be on their best behavior in their homes. Will they sneak onto YouTube when a parent slips? Sure. Watch an inappropriate movie or too? Absolutely. But I do think that being selective about who they're around lessens those chances. That's not smothering. That's called PARENTING.
I agree
I have been called overprotective, but at this point I could care less about someone else's opinion of my parenting. My children are 5 and 2, and some people wonder why I am selective about the music they listen to, the kids they play, and just plain morals we teach them. I feel it is our responsibility as parents is to protect them and usher them in certain situations so that they will be able to handle things if we are not there. I agree with you about the sleepover. Not only do you not know the parents but the parents do not know you, and just like their child can expose your child to some inappropriate behavior the same is true for your child. I think as parents and people in general we have to be more mindful of our choices, and not just send your child to sleepover or anything else just because all the other kids are doing it. As a parent you do have to be aware. I have a friend who I thought was on the same page as parenting as myself or at least close to it, and her 3 year old son took my daughter into a closet "just to hug"; I am not sure how this would have went down if I was not there. His mom was lost for words, and was not sure how to discipline him or talk to him. So again we as parents do have to be careful.
I agree 100% and I don't
I agree 100% and I don't care one bit either what other people think about my parenting choices.
My children (ages 5 and 3) have never even spent the night at their grandparents' house, since we have lived out of state for the last several years. However, I don't feel that there is any reason for my children to sleep at someone else's house without me there. Visiting, going places with grandparents, fine...sleeping over is not necessary. My husband is in full agreement with me and that is our choice.
Do the grandparents love it? I'm sure that they don't. But that's not my problem.
if you don't let your
if you don't let your daughter do anything when she is young, she is going to have no social skills when she is older. furthermore, she is going to start sneaking out if you don't let her do anything, and chances are she'll be ignorant and crazy and get pregnant, and it would serve you right for being such a bitch to her.try letting lila live a little.
@Good Parent
Um, wow. Just... wow. I'm going to keep it short because clearly, your kind can't handle anything deeper than a couple of sentences. So here goes: Lila is SEVEN. I'm her MOTHER. What I do is called PARENTING. And quite obviously, my 7-year-old has more class, smarts, social skills and motherly love in her pinky fingernail than you've had in an entire lifetime. You go on ahead and let your child run wild. As for my kids? I got this.
Thank you Denene for this
Thank you Denene for this post. At the age of five, I was sleeping over at my mother's friend's house whom she had not truly known for too long and who had two boys and two girls. The boys were older and they were allowed to run the streets. Both of these boys were under the age of 13 yet they knew enough about "grown up" things to rape me and to this day I am struggling to come to terms with why this happened to me. As a mother, I check out every situation because you never know who you can trust and who will hurt you. The situation could have been prevented if my mother had taken the time to find out who was going to be staying at the house while I was there. I don't blame her because she was a young mother, but I know it has taught me to be cautious with a capital C. My baby is only 5 months old, but I check her every day she comes home from daycare.