I wonder this same thing - My husband and I are pretty much equal parents and have been since our daughter was born 13 years ago. I look at some of my friends and their situations and I wonder how they put up with the tiny amounts of help they receive from their spouses. I have always expected that he do his share and he always has without complaints (most of the time). I can't imagine it any other way. But this is not really the norm - now or when we were growing up. I try to appreciate him for all that he does and thank him for it, even though he should do it without thanks. I think it is nice to be appreciated, even when you are appreciated for things that you should be doing regardless!

He says that I should feel lucky he helps out so often, but I get so frustrated because I feel like I do so much more than he does. Perhaps it's just our woman's gene allowing us to multitask, like taking care of the baby AND doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc.

Most days it seems like he wants a medal just for watching the baby for an hour or two so I can do some chores around the house. It can be very frustrating and I know it's been our number one argument since our daughter was born.

However, I will note that I know many other Dads that aren't nearly as involved with their children so I feel grateful that he has taken such an interest in making sure our daughter is brought up well and with both parents being involved.

My husband does a great job with my daughter. He feeds her, he gets up with her at night, he takes her to doctors appointments, he changes diapers. I really don't expect him to do any less them me. After all, we made her together. And I know that he does more then most of the other fathers he knows. He even holds her more then they hold their kids. As a result of this, they have a very special bond. She loves her father to tears (sometimes, I think, even more then she loves mommy). My reward is seeing the special relationship that they have and when she looks into his eyes and calls him dada.

Erin, thanks for your honesty in this post! My husband and I don't have kids yet but I feel like we'd parent in a very similar style. Again, I'm with you on the "I don't see why you should expect to do less because you're a man." It's probably just a balance of appreciating each other, and knowing what a great example you're setting for your kids! (And Nora is adorable - I can't believe it's already been 5 weeks!)

I can understand the mother doing more if she is a stay at home mom. But if both parents hold down jobs then the parenting should be 50/50. Growing up my mom was a stay at home mom and my dad worked full time...but even still whenever my dad was home and had a chance he was helping out with us. He wanted to be apart of the parenting and as a result he had a special bond with us. He was such a great daddy.

What color is Norah's peach fuzzy hair?! Tell me it's red! :)

I love this post! My husband is also very helpful and the few times that he has commented that he helps out a lot, I tell him that it should be that way. I do the cooking, so I expect him to do the dishes. We both work he is a teacher (so he has summers off) and I have a great job as a pharmacist that allows me to work 28 hours per week. We both decided that we could not stay home full time. The part that I sometimes have trouble with is letting go of my "type A" ways and being OK when he doesn't do something the way I would have with the kids. I need to remind myself as long as they are safe and happy, there are more ways than mine to do something!

First Nora is too cute!!! Second, my hubby and I constantly struggle with this topic. Typically we're 50/50 on parenting...BUT because he is "parenting" our daughter he can't seem to get anything else done! Heaven forbid he notices the sink full of dishes. Or that the laundry needs folded. Or that we'll need to eat dinner. If he's home with our daughter all day I'll return to a messy house, sink full of dishes and no food insight because they've both eaten it all. COME ON! I get that you want to take a nap while our daughter is napping...but you can't take 15 minutes to load the dishwasher? Or fold a load of laundry while watching Mickey Mouse's Club House? He says he simply doesn't think to do that stuff and if I want it done all I have to do is ask. It’s not 1950 anymore! The wife shouldn’t have to ASK the husband to do the dishes. The boy managed to get an EE degree from Rose-Hulaman...he can figure out that a sink full of dishes means DO THE DISHES!

My husband is a WONDERFUL father, but I definitely do the lion's share of the parenting. Since my daughter is breastfed, I've always done all feedings, I get her up and dressed in the AM, I take her to daycare, then I pick her up from daycare and I also get her ready for bed and down to sleep. She sleeps through the night without nursing now, but if she needs middle of the night comforting, it's usually me. On weekends he's more involved; feeding her breakfast or lunch (she's 8 months and on solids), and occasionally doing bathtime, and he's always up for playtime with Daddy to give me a break. However my breaks are usually to do laundry or dishes that I don't get done during the week since I work full-time. For us I think it's a hold-over from my maternity leave, and I've never really corrected the situation. But it's also me; I can't help but feel that NO ONE can take care of my daughter as well as I can, even my husband. I've tried to let more go as time passes, but I can't help just "taking over" so I know things will get done right. My husband finally said when Anna was about 4 months old, "You know, you've never left me alone with her. I'm her father, I'm not an idiot. I can handle this." Even after that though, I've only left her with him a handful of times, and only for an hour or so, tops. I feel terrible that I can't seem to let him parent her more, but the anxiety that something will go wrong if I don't do it is overwhelming. Anyone else feel this way?

But don't get me wrong....it should absolutely be 50/50! I would only say that you are lucky only because I wish my husband would help me out as much. Somehow after the 1st baby was born, the helpful husband phase wore out quick and somehow I got stuck with a husband who thinks just because I'm home that he no longer has diaper duty. Also thinks he should get extra credit for being alone with the care of the kids. Puh-leaaaasse, that's the way it should be.

Ohhhh... yes. I work from home, full time, self employed, while taking care of my 8 month old. On the weekends, my husband will say things like, "I just worked all week, I don't want to spend my weekend taking care of the baby" and then I kill him and bury him in the back yard.
I'd say in our house, at least at the moment it's 25/75 with me taking the larger share. I work from home specifically so that I can spend that extra time with my son, but sometimes at the end of the day, I want to hand my husband the kid and walk out the front door for 8 hours.

I WISH it was closer to 50/50 around here!

My husband does not do nearly as much around the house as me, but that is in large part because I wanted to be a full-time stay at home mom. I wish that meant that all I had to do was take care of the kids all day...but we can't afford a housekeeper, so that unfortunately means that part of this deal is I also do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. I see it as a trade-off; I get to stay home with the kids but I take on the other tasks too. I think part of it is that my mom always worked full-time but also took care of running the household. I didn't realize until I grew up just how much I internalized about how much was just "normal" for the wife to be doing.

ALSO, that is one cuuuuute baby!! She's beautiful!

My husband is wonderful, and while I wish he noticed the dirty dishes and laundry piling up, I've learned a big lesson raising our son. If I want help, before I start complaining, I have to ask. It does no one any good if I sit and stew about what I wish he'd do, if I never ask him to do it. My husband was basically raised an only child, with 10 years between him and his brother. I wish he saw what needed to be done around the house, but I am greatful he's a supportive, caring husband, who understands my need for me time on a daily basis and is more than willing to jump in, if I just ask. It doesn't get done the way I want, but the fact that he tries is enough for me right now.

She is a total cutie pie and looks soooo happy/content in that picture!!!
The discussion: I wish I could say it is 50/50 here but it is not. Now I will say that I lucked out and was able to be a SAHM way longer then expected (economy made my teaching credential useless for the next few years) and have only just recently gone back to work part time subbing as my husband has also unfortunately gotten laid off.
When I was the one staying home AND he was working full time I had no problems with taking care of our daughter and the house. When I needed extra help I just asked and most of the time he would comply. I agree with if you need something you should ask first before you complain...many men (mine included) just don't see the mess or things that need to be done the way a woman does. The problem comes when I am gone for the day working and come home to nothing (nothing!) being done the entire day. I am not here to ask so he has to figure it out or there won't be dinner (and it has happened too often lately) or clean clothes. On days I work it is 60/40 only because he has our child...on days I don't work it is 95/5 because I ask him to do things!
On a happier note we are discussing this because it is starting to effect him (no clean socks is a bummer as is having to eat frozen dinners all the time) and he realizes something needs to change. I'm thinking of starting a "honey do list" for the days when I am gone...

to also hava a husband that believes in working 50/50 when it comes to the kids and the housework. Obviously there are things I prefer for him not to do (like the house budget, lol) but all in all we work together. We have two kids so we usually take one each, if I am doing homework with my son he is tending to the baby and viceversa... I make dinner he does the dishes or takes the kids so I can clean up faster... He does complain once in a while but guess what? like someone else said it's his kids too and it's his house as well... I think your hubby is probably overwhelmed right now with the new baby (like you're not) but once you both get used to the new workload things will flow again... the best thing of all is that you guys have great communication and that is a blessing...

There has been fundamental shift as the previous poster mentioned, but I also do NOT think we (men) deserve a medal.

The connection to my son (2 years old) from time spent with him is reward enough.

That said, I highly suggest if possible Dad's get a week or two solo at least once a year. We all have what I call 'relative' levels of effort and stress, and a week or two a year is a great real world example of what it takes. Quite frankly I can hear exactly what I will be doing that week solo and it doesn't sound like half the work it actually is going to take. My wife and I unfortunately have had to experience this for medical reasons, but it is a lesson learned that I will continue to foster for good escapes for my wife as well. I, like most other guys, need a good reality check from time to time.

My wife and I both work full time.

To give an example of my input: 95% grocery shopping (often with my little one to give my wife a break there too), 20% cooking, 95% taking him to daycare, 95% bath time and bed time, 100% bills, 95% house maintenance, 100% car maintenance (I do my own repairs on everything), 10% dishes, 0% laundry (I tried, but my 10 years of experience with my clothes before we got married was very hard on her clothes :) ), my son as I mentioned is 2 now and potty trained so the diaper work is done, but it wasn't a question of who's turn it was who's closer when we were there (most times).

I work full time and own/operate two small businesses on the side. Both businesses have taken a hit due to lack of time available but my priorities are in the right place. My wife and son come first, you can always get back to growth when time allows.

All of that said, I've seen solo a few times and feel I have a good idea of the gaps that aren't on my list of responsibilities (often for good reason i.e. Laundry). The only thing we cannot trade to understand what it takes from us mentally and physically is our jobs so we talk often about current work and schedules and can shift around personal home responsibilities if one of us is going through a heavy set of deadlines, activities, changes, whatever.

In short - Open up communications, and step back sometimes. Take a trip for a week with friends, we won't break the munchkins or too many dishes, I promise. :-) I do the same, and take some 4 day weekends away which is also a great break for me and reminder for my wife where I do contribute to our own little chaos.

Thank you to every Mom out there, from a Dad that realizes how important all of the worries and 'double checks' we do are in our children's growth, safety and happiness.

Nora is stunning! She looks so much like Alex's baby pictures (I think so at least)

Hi there-

I'm a little older than y'all (age 44 female). I am writing because I am so glad to see that so many people are getting 50/50 arrangements. I think this has huge significance for the success of marriage, families, our economy and our political system. I am very proud of all of you, women and men alike who are pulling it together so well.

The reason I take this perspective is because I am not a mother, but have been a child and remember well how it felt to have a SAHM who was dissociated & superficial, had naive and clueless views about how public life worked, and who did not have a strong enough concept of self to function as a mother, either in meeting my real needs or in standing up to and beside my father in the family. She also often used me to support her psychology. My sole-breadwinner father was angry, preoccupied with his career, narcissistic and needy for attention and also unable to parent effectively. At least he knew how to get around in the world, though.

In my belief it is really critical that children have mothers with legs under them, who have a say in public life, who know how to take care of themselves and compete in the marketplace economy, who have leadership skills and who thus can be appropriately responsive to the needs of children and not use children for support. It is ALSO equally critical, in my view, for children to have down-to-Earth fathers, who are emotionally available, who respect their children's feelings and can communicate with them, attend to their needs and encourage them and not compete with them.

Sexism and separation of men and women into different spheres of woman's domain being the home and man's domain being public life have done much damage to the psychology of both men and women. I am so glad to see the next generations fixing this.

Also, I wanted to mention, you might find the book "Partnership Parenting" by Kyle and Marsha Pruett helpful.

My husband iss a welder and works out of state 90% of the time. It allows me to be a SAHM. He is mostly a great dad, but there are days I really wish he were here more. This past year has been different for us because we have been together more than any year since our 5 y.o was born and hes almost 6.
Considering the parenting models he (didn't) have as a child, and that he is gone so much he does really well with the boys. I still crack up though when he tells me he could take care of them and clean the house better than me. I would love to see him be on 24/7 for a month or more @ a time and see how clean the house is without him throwing away everything we own. (That is his answer to everything from Legos in the living room to dishes in the sink.)
We were somewhere recently though and someone asked him if he was babysitting the youngest. I was quite proud to hear him say no, that it was his baby so not babysitting.
Steff