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Am I being selfish to want to remarry?

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I have two teenaged sons - 19 and 15. I have been divorced since 2005. Last April I met a wonderful man and this year he asked me to marry him - I said yes. My sons are outraged! They keep telling me I am selfish and that I should put them first. I do put them first and always have. Their father is a dysfunctional alcoholic - physcically intimidating and verbally abusive. He is telling them that I am abandoning them and that I need to grow up and not run off with my boyfriend for a fairytale life. This is ridiculous, but when I see how upset my sons are I feel guilty for finding happiness. Is it wrong to want a partner to share life with. My fiance is a good man with no children of his own. Any ideas of how to deal with their onslaught of criticisms? I have told them there is room for all three in my heart to no avail. Thanks!

answers (1)

You are not being selfish. Your marriage ended 8 years ago. You have met another person who makes you happy. As long as he treats you and your sons well, I see no reason why you should not marry him. Your sons are old enough that no one should be expecting that your fiancé would be replacing their father. If your ex is making things up and trying to sour your relationship by turning your sons against you, it is probably because he is jealous that you are moving on. What you need to do now is sit your sons down and explain exactly why you would like to remarry. Make sure they understand that your marriage will not prevent you from taking care of them and it will not hurt your relationship with them. Explain why you would like to spend your life with someone and how being alone makes you feel. Leave your ex out of the discussion, and definitely don't put out any theories as to why he might be saying the things he is saying. Simply let them no now that their fears and concerns are valid, but that nothing has to change after you get married. If they are still against it, consider waiting long to actually get married, which is a good idea anyway. Make sure you really know this man before he joins your family.

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