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Complicated situation...

4 answers
I am 18 years old, and about 15 weeks pregnant. I realize I'm young and this wasn't ideal, or planned, however the father and I have been living together for going on 7 months now, and we do have that stability. It also helps that I graduated before getting pregnant, and we both work full time. I just have a couple questions I would really appreciate advice on... First of all, how do I bring up Maternity leave to my employers? They know I am pregnant but it hasn't been brought up and I'm nervous to ask about it. I want to get that sorted out sooner rather than later though so if they won't offer it to me, I can figure out an alterior plan. Also, my family situation is a little complicated. My mom is 35, she had me when she was 16, and i have a 6 year old brother and 3 year old sister. She also just had another son yesterday. I told her I was pregnant when I found out at 6 weeks, and she basically disowned me. I realize this situation is messed up but it's really hard on me to not have any kind of emotional support, considering she had me so young, and my circumstance is different than the one she was in with me. Out of us 4 kids, there are 3 different dads. She tells me that my situation will be too confusing to my siblings and that I need to distance myself from her, but I think the situation is pretty confusing to them as it is, and I don't think that's fair. My mom was a single mom with me, as well as my two other siblings and I was her only help, my brother and sister mean everything to me and I'm so scared to lose my relationship with them. I realize that it is weird we were pregnant at the same time, but I'm 18, even if this was 5 years from now it would still be an usual situation. We have full support from my boyfriend's family, and my grandparents are there for me as well, but the fact my mom is being so cold is getting really hard on me, and I don't want to lose contact with my siblings. I'm also worried about the stress this is all putting on me. There are so many questions I've had for my mom, and so many things I've wanted to tell her or talk to her about that I know I can't. Will she come around? Is there anything I can do to make this situation any better?

answers (4)

Talk to your HR person at work about maternity leave and what options you have regarding that. It shouldn't be too difficult to get a plane in place.Your mom probably feels that she failed you in some way. The specifics of your situation may be different than hers, but the big picture (having a baby while you're very young) is the same. She may also be having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that she'll be a grandmother so soon. I went through something sort of similar with my mom (she was 18 when I was born) during my first pregnancy. (But I was 25 when my first baby was born.)As far as your siblings go, I don't understand why it would be a confusing situation for them. You're an adult, adults have babies. Yes, they're awfully young to be aunts/uncles, but that doesn't matter. If they're allowed to grow up together they'll be very close friends, which will be great for all of them. I've had plenty of friends with aunts or uncles just a year or two older than them, and more who have had siblings twice their age (or more). Sure, it's a little weird to think about, but all families are different. How children react to situations like this depends on how the parents handle it. If the parents make it weird, the kids will always think it's weird. If the parents treat it like it's normal, the kids won't think twice about it.Give your mom some time to process and deal with everything. She is probably overwhelmed with her new baby and your other siblings. The idea of you also having a baby may be a little more than she can handle, especially if she's anticipating needing to take care of and support you as well. (That may only be an extremely remote possibility, but it may be worrying her.) Don't be afraid to call her. No matter what she says she's your mom and I'm sure she loves you. Her actions are not because of you, they're because of her and her own issues. Offer to babysit your siblings so that she can have time with her new baby. If she needs help with cleaning or cooking, do what you can. Hopefully she gets over this quickly.
Thank you V, it's just hard because considering everything she went through I feel like she should know how hard it is. And just by differences I mean the fact that she didn't graduate until I was almost 3 years old, and I have already been graduated a year. She was 16 and living at home obviously, but I've been on my own for a while. I feel like she also doesn't realize that the life I had forced me to grow up VERY fast, I honestly pretty much raised my brother and sister. I try to see them still as often as I can, I only live about 10 minutes away, but it's really hard when I work at 7 am for 9 hours everyday all I want to do is sleep after, I've been told to expect more energy in my second trimester, but if anything I'm feeling more and more exhausted.. Any more advice on that?
I completely understand. I'm an only child but I think you and I probably had similar experiences growing up. My mom was not happy when she found out I was pregnant. I was already engaged, but had only been in the relationship for a few months. I think she just didn't want me to get tied down to the wrong guy like she did, but she just didn't know how to express her feelings. So all she really said was that it wasn't a good time for me to have a baby and that I had "options". Eventually she had to accept my decision. She loves my kids and she likes my husband. But the way she acted and the things she said definitely hurt me and I don't know if she ever realized that. I agree that your mom should be more supportive of you now since she knows what you're going through. And honestly, I'm sorry that she isn't. Pregnancy is both a wonderful and stressful experience and it's important to have support. Hopefully she comes around soon.As far as the exhaustion goes, it all depends. With my daughter I had morning sickness for about 6 months and could barely eat. So I didn't get any relief or energy until my third trimester, but it didn't last long. I quit working about 4 months in because I just couldn't do it. I've been a stay at home mom ever since. When I was pregnant with my son I didn't have morning sickness and actually felt pretty good for most of the whole pregnancy. This time around I'm having another girl and had morning sickness for about 3 months. I've been exhausted for almost the entire pregnancy (I'm 38 weeks tomorrow). I take naps when I can, but sometimes that just makes me more tired. There's really not a whole lot you can do to combat the tiredness. Exercise can help a little, go for walks when you can. Most wome do start feeling great and energetic during the second trimester, hopefully you'll be one of them!
Your mom probably just feels like in some way she failed you, Your mom loves you I know that even not knowing you or her. Even though she may be upset with you a mother could never stop loving her child. She just needs time to think, after she has time to process all of it you can talk it out. About the energy thing, Every woman is different. I had alot of energy my first pregnancy, however my second pregnancy I was always sleepy. This time around I am feeling okay so far (I hope it stays that way),so you may feel more energetic and I hope you do but you could also be tired all the time. Good luck and I hope everything works out alright!!

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