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At the end of my rope
It breaks my heart to think about it, and as I type this, I have tears streaming down my face. I feel like I have lost the "connection" with my 4 yr old daughter. Due to her severe case of Autism, her behavior has been absolutely deplorable for the last 2 years, give or take. The challenges that I am met with daily have taken it's toll on my mind, and spirit. I'm a good mom, but over the last several months, I become filled with irritation whenever I look at my daughter. I don't even want to be around her anymore. That sounds horrible, I know. The days are extremely unpredictable with her. She wakes up on edge, and leaves the house for school the same way. I endure constant physical harm from her, whether intentional on her part or not. Let me put it to you this way: I have listened to numerous raging meltdowns that last for hours EVERY SINGLE DAY for years on end. I have been headbutted so hard that I ended up with a black eye. I have been punched, spit on, bit, and smacked on a regular basis. Would you want to be around her if she was your child? Her meltdowns consist of screaming at the top of her lungs, and when she gets angry enough, she begins to head bang the wall, floor, etc. I am then forced to restrain her in my arms to prevent her from injuring herself. She doesn't stop when it hurts, like some children. I'm baffled by all of this is so many ways. I understand that there is very little she can control, and therefore exercise the up most patience possible. Her condition has sent me into a deep depression. I am seeing a therapist, and I'm exploring the medication options, with myself and her. The future is unknown for her. I have grieved about the loss of a normal childhood for her. A normal life for our family. The only thing that remains consistent is that she progressively becomes worse.
Have you looked into behavior therapy options for her? I know that can help some kids with autism. Also, for your own peace of mind, have you looked into autism support groups? If there aren't any I your area you can find online groups, I'm sure. support groups can help you locate more resources to help your daughter and can be a great place for you to vent with people who understand what you're going through.
Also, don't feel bad about how you feel. It is completely understandable given what you go through. And, I think all parents feel that way at some point. I know that my almost 5 year old drives me crazy sometimes with her constant talking, questions, and know it all attitude. All parents get overwhelmed at times, and parents of kids with special needs have more challenges to deal with.
There are two support groups in my area. One meets weekly in the YMCA, and the other every 3 months funded by a university program. I have spent the last 6 months trying to get information from the directors of the group, and neither will return my phone calls or emails. I have heard through the grape vine that the YMCA group no longer meets. I have found blogging to be theraputic to some degree. Paisley's communication skills have improved greatly. After nearly 2 years of speech therapy, we are finally able to understand 80% of what she says. The flip side to that, is that when she isn't sounding like a broken record, she also exhibits the non-stop know it all attitude, and as defiant as possible. I remember when she was very young, and I prayed for her to talk. I couldn't wait for her to be a chatty little girl. Everyone told me not to rush it, because there would come a day when I would wonder if she will ever shut up. I know that sounds a little crass, but that's how it is now.
I know how you feel. My oldest drives me crazy with her constant talking, questions, voices, and speech patterns. I seems like she always has to be talking, she butts into situations she has. Nothing to do with, and she experiments with weird voices and plays of talking. Its irritating to say the least. A lot of the time I just want her to go away Because I just can't handle that on top of everything else.
I completely understand that. Paisley's vocab has exploded since she started speech therapy, and she's making decent sentences now. Her broken record syndrome combined with the incessant whining from both kids and 3 dogs is enough to make anyone erupt like a volcano. She kept me up from 8:30pm-5am last week, after insisiting on sleeping in my bed. She dramatized the intense and extreme fear of her room, claiming it was dark and scary. When her head hit the pillow on my bed, she went into temporary pychosis. (The light was still on) She repeatedly whispered the same setences. "It's ok Bubbles, it's ok Glue. Just go away! (she growls) Just be quiet! You hurt my head!" She was trying to calm her imaginary friends, and attempting to get the "voices" out of her head, so she could go to sleep. Her eyes looked eery, since they were black and slightly glazed. Her face was blank, as she appeared to be daydreaming. It was the creepiest thing I've seen yet. This is the longest episode we've had. Hopefully I can get some answers from the therapist at her apt this afternoon.