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How do I get my boyfriend to be more supportive of my birth plan?

12 answers
I'm just now entering my third trimester with my first child (A little boy!!). I'm excited for the baby to be here and just now beginning to think about my different options, the problem is every idea i've had about having the baby or things I believe would make me more comfertable (water birth, music playing quietly, different drugs/sedatives) the father is completely non-supportive about and refuses to even consider the idea. I've told him this isn't only about him and that he should be more open to ideas and he retorts with, "Its about me AND you, this is our baby." I'm aware of that but I don't know what to say to make him more open to different ideas. Any thoughts?

answers (12)

He probably doesn't want you to go over board on 'spending'. Having a nontraditional delivery may not be covered by your insurance and he may not want to foot an unnessesary bill. There is nothing wrong with just having the epidurmal.
The isssue is not the spending, he is the same way about things that would have no extra cost but may help and isn't leniant about if I want to even have an epidural or if I don't
your birth plan is all up to you, and what you want. it does not require anyone else's opinion. you are the one carrying the baby, and giving birth. he will just stand there on the sidelines. tell him this! trust me, sweetie, you want an epidural. you won't feel a thing but pressure if you have one. do you honestly want to give birth the old-fashioned way without drugs?  in my mind, they give epidurals for a reason, and i will happily take mine once again! i'm 10 weeks along with my second. i never made a birth plan with my first, and don't plan on doing it with the second, either. yes, it takes two to tango, but you are the one who is pregnant, not him! if men had to carry children, instead of women, the world's population would quickly diminish.
That is true, i'm sure the population would be alot smaller! As far as the epidural, I dont want to do it with absolutely no drugs, just as little as possible. My mother is very old school and insists that if she could do it naturally then I could too! Of course all children have that incentive to please they're parents, however, I just want a light epidural as far along into it that I can manage. I'm not sure exactly how that works but I guess i'll find out! My boyfriend wants me to get a full epidural as early as possible, its frustrating that he underestimates my body and what it is capable of and i'm sure he means well but I cant help but be worried about the amount of support i'm going to get from him during labor.
Have you asked him WHY he's so dead-set on you having the epidural?  Talk to him and try to get him to open up about his rationale - it may be based on fear for the pain you're going to be in, it may be that he's heard some scary things about other things you've suggested.  His reasoning might be completely irrational, or it could be something that makes total sense.  But you won't know how to change his mind or if it's even possible, if you don't know why he is so insistent. 
When I ask him he says every woman he knows thats had a baby has had it, therefore he believes I shouldn't be any different. I guess there's some logic to him thinking this way but i'm not sure how to get him to see that not every woman is comfertable with the same things and it doesn't have to be like that. He also recently shared with me that he is terrified of something happening to me or the baby during labor which I know is very unlikely and i've told him this. I'm not sure what else to tell him to make him more comfertable.
An epidural is either all in or all out. I had my first with the epidural, and my second with out (not my choice, we arrived too late in labor to get it) and they both had their advantages. Make sure you make up your mind before it's  too late. Once you reach 7cm dialated they will no longer do it, no matter how much you want it. I will say it was amazing to be able to walk around and take care of stuff. Explain to him the best you can, but labor is intense and you should not be taking care of his needs while you going through this. It may seem mean to ignore his requests but labor should be about your needs, not his. I really hope you get everything worked out.
Well, then, his rationale does make some sort of sense: if every woman he's talked to has had the epidural AND made it through labor and delivery with a baby to show for it, then sure he'd want you to have the same outcome - especially if that's one of his biggest fears.  I get that.  Do you know anyone personally who went without the epidural?  Any chance of getting them to talk to your boyfriend, so that he knows at least one person who didn't have the epidural, and came out fine?  One person won't be likely to change his mind entirely, but it might make him feel a little better about the option, which is a step in the right direction. (Your other option is to wait until AFTER the point of no return on receiving the epidural before going to the hospital, but I'm not sure I'd recommend that plan!  *grin*)
You don't need an epidural.  Those affect the baby and make them score lower on the apgar test. It also makes it harder for them to breast feed right after they're born, which is very important if you plan to breast feed.  I didn't have an epidural, and I experienced very little pain during labor and birth.  I actually slept through most of it.  I'd wake up for a second when I had a contraction, say "ow" and then immediately fall back to sleep.  Suddenly, I woke up and I could feel her head coming out of me and I screamed at her father to run and find the midwife before she fell out on the floor.  The midwife came running in and immediately had my legs up, telling me to push.  Two pushes, and she was out and screaming her little head off.  I was extremely tired, but the only real pain I felt only lasted a split second when I passed her shoulders and she ripped me.  But they give pain medicine to take home that completely takes away any pain you'll feel.  I only took it for one day after I went home.  Tell your bf about it, I know from experience that you don't need drugs, or a hospital, or even a doctor.  I wanted a waterbirth, but I was at risk for infection since my water had been broken for 4 days and I didn't know it, so I had her in bed.  She's perfectly healthy and so am I.  The only prob I had was that I couldn't sit still long enough to heal.  I kept hurting myself cuz I was trying to clean and work in my garden.
necia,you are one of the lucky few that did not experience much pain during a natural childbith, with no drugs. as for them scoring lower on the apgar test, i had an epi with my daughter, who is 22 months old now. her doctor has told me on numerous occasions that she is the most brilliant child he has seen in over 15 years of practice. my grandmother had all 4 of her kids without drugs, because that's how it was back in her day. she told me before i delivered, "they make epidurals for a reason, now, and they are totally safe. trust me, sweetie, you want one! you don't want to be pushing out a baby without drugs, it's the worst pain you will ever feel." after they broke my water, and gave me pitocin, i had extreme contractions. i was screaming at the nurses saying, "get off your lazy ass and get me drugs! now! i need drugs now, not 5 minutes from now!" within 3 minutes, i had my epidural in. didn't feel a thing, because i had contractions during the procedure, so i was just concentrating on staying completely still. i didn't want to end up paralyzed...i am now pregnant with my second child, and i will definitely be taking another epi if i have to have a vaginal delivery. i'm hoping for a c-section due to 4 slipped discs in my lower back.


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