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I didnt expect it to be perfect but is there something im not seeing?

7 answers
I am 19, engaged to wonderful loving man who is 26. We have been together for 2 yrs, 1 very emotional yr spent trying to get pregnant. I am now 32 weeks an things have been incredibly great. He just quit chewing tobacco a little over 2 weeks ago. Very proud of him. The last week his occasional drinking has increased ALOT! He is drinking 80 oz of beer EVERY day, and on these days he is very irritable with me and only me. He snaps if I don't hear him the first time he says something or ask him to do something like cleaning the bathroom (since i can't be using bleach) or basically anything that comes out of my mouth. Some of the things he says are very hurtful to the point ive cried and that just makes him angrier. I dont know if the drinking increased because he quit chewing or if hes nervous about the baby or if its something else altogether. Brought it up to him last night b4 he started drinking and he got mad an stormed out of the room. What do I do now? Im so lost :'(

answers (7)

First off, you don't need to use bleach for cleaning. You should use natural or organic cleaning products that are safe for both you and your baby. I like BabyGanics, Method and Seventh Generation, all of which can be found at Toys R Us and Babies R Us. Method and Seventh Gen. can be found at Target as well.Second, I know how you feel. Was your husband in the military? I only ask because my husband acts in similar ways sometimes and it's because he has PTSD from being in the Marine Corps and fighting in Iraq. In my case I know that any stress triggers the PTSD and anger issues. Even though I know he doesn't mean to get angry and normally does a very good job of controlling his anger, sometimes it's more than I can handle.I would imagine your fiance is drinking more because he just quit chewing. Chewing is an oral habit and he unconsciously feels the need to have his mouth busy. Unfortunately, he's swtiched from one very bad habit to another. He's probably also experiencing some stress and worry about your new baby. 26 is still somewhat young for a man and he may be worrying that he isn't ready.Unfortunately, I don't really have much advice for you. My husband and I both know what causes his anger and most of the time I just have to suffer through it and let it pass. We've had some discussions in the last week and he understands what he needs to do to change himself a little bit and he's also going to be seeing a therapist on a more routine basis. (He only just realized how much his PTSD affects him.)Try talking to him more, he does need to know how you feel and how his actions are hurting you. But beyond that he has to be the one to make the necessary changes. Obviously, he needs to drink less but that's a decision he has to make. There isn't really a way for you to make him do it. 
Thanks for the suggestion on cleaning supplies! I will def check it out.He was not in the military, he does have anger issues outside of all this and jus finished stage 2 of anger management (80 total weeks) and has improved sooo much. Maybe hes slipping cause hes not in it anymore and with all the stress from other things isnt helping. We have dicussion nights once a week (suggested by his counselor) which will be Thursday so I will bring it up then. We are NOT allowed to argue during these discussions so hopefully it will go better than last night. We each have 10 minutes to bring up issues and/or improvements we have made and then we dicuss everything in ONLY positive ways. If that doesnt work we will make an appointment to have 3rd person point of view.
If things don't get better he should definitely go back to anger management and no matter what, he should find a healthy outlet for his aggression. (My husband likes working out and lifting weights.) I hope things go well during your upcoming discussion time. Stay calm and don't be confrontational or overly emotional. I know it can be hard, especially while pregnant! There are plenty of times I just don't talk during discussions with my husband because I know I'll just cry the whole time.You only have a few weeks left before your baby is born. Take this time to help your fiance as much as possible with his issues, but also watch his behavior closely. If he doesn't improve or if he gets worse you'll need to think hard about whether or not the two of you can be together. I know it's a difficult thing to handle, but you have to do what's best for your baby and for yourself. (I can tell you I've honestly had these same thoughts and "discussions" with myself.) 
It might be nerves because of the baby I remember my husband walking back and forth in the delivery room asking the doctors if I was gonna bleed to death. We might not know it but our husbands are just as worried as us when its close to the due date. Another thing it could be is because he just quit chewing tobacco,stuff like that is hard on people so it could be that hes a little on edge.Plus the drinking could be a part, theres alot of things that it could be but I would just give him some time and then after the baby is born then if it continues then talk to him about it or maybe take him to a therapist or something for anger it might be something deeper then what you think and your right about the bleach don't use it try things without as many harmful things in it I have also tried babyganics and it works good. My husband has his times where he is constantly yelling about everything but then we talk about it and it was just because something was bothering him,try talking to him about it calmly if you cry or complain they get angry its a guy thing.Good luck!!!!
He could try tobacco free chew. My brother in law and my friends husband switched to it to help them stop and both said it worked. It might be away he deals with his stress by chewing. This stuff has none of the chemicals of tobacco so it is a healthier choice. Here is a link to one product
He actually brought it up to me today when we were on our way to his moms house. He said he realizes hes been testy lately and that hes sorry. He explained why and I understand now. We have a 2 bedroom, his aunt has been living off of us since Jan of 2009 and was suppost to move out before the baby came. Now she says she can't until Feb of next yr, we dont have the room for everything we need for baby so he started stressing about that and did not have the heart to tell me that we are going to have to make do with what we have. He decided to take on extra hours at work so he could pay for her to move back to Reno. Of course I told him he didn't have to but that was the end of it. Shes not to happy about it. It sounds bad but shes been using us for a yr and a half, she was suppost to move out April of 2009 an just never did, always some excuse about where her money has gone and why she can't move out or help with groceries or even pay $250 in rent each month. Thank you all so much for all of your advive. I did go buy alternative cleaning supplies and will be trying them out this weekend :)
I'm glad that things are working out! I know how it can be when they just don't tell you everything. My husband is the same way. He just tries to deal with everything by himself and then that leads to him being overly frustrated and he ends up taking it out on me. It's not cool, but as I said sometimes it's just something you have to suffer through because men are, well, stupid. Sometimes. My husband finally confessed that his stress has been through the roof because he sees hot girls wearing almost no clothes at his university everyday. He said it's literally like going to a strip club every single day and the fact that our love life isn't what he'd like it to be drives him completely crazy. Actually getting them to talk can be like pulling teeth but once they finally do it things are a lot better. I hope that for both of us our men start communicating better!

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