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I need advice on how to get through to my military husband

5 answers
He won't talk to me about the miscarriage, I had my mom pick up my 7 month old and take her to the park so me and the hubby could talk. I sat him down and ask him ''whats wrong you have acting different lately'' and then he sat there and said ''oceana I don't wanna talk ok its not a big deal'' so because I know it's about the miscarriage it upset me a little so I started yelling a little, which just made things worse I said ''why can't you trust me im your wife!!!!!!!!'' and he got mad and said ''whatever leave me alone I don't need to go to a support group or therapist im not fricken crazy'' and then went and slammed are bedroom door and sat in there for hours. I got worried and decided I would go apologize because I felt bad I was trying to make him feel better not worse and I knocked on the door and he didn't answer. Then I opened it and he was sitting at the computer desk looking at the ultrasound picture I had when I found out the sex of our son that I lost. I just feel so bad for him and hes so stubborn and I try not to yell at him because he doesn't take that well and it just makes him more stubborn but I don't know what eles to do and I feel like he blames me for the miscarriage because if I would've watched caitlyn better so she didn't get choked I wouldn't have lost the baby but I don't know what to do I don't want him to feel like that but I can't help him, I just wish he could sit and cry and let me cry with him so we could grieve together and be there for eachother. He drives me crazy sometimes but I can't help but love him for it anyways. I just need advice.

answers (5)

Just give him time he will eventually be ready to talk.
Everyone needs to greive in their own way. you cannot force him to open up to you....wife or not.My experience of military men (after being raised by one) they don't show their emotions all out like us, and men in general are more closed up then women about feelings and crying.You just need to be patient, seek a counselor for yourself if needed
The miscarriage was not your fault.  If your account was accurate (and I'm not saying what you wrote wasn't accurate, but I'm allowing for the possibility that you left certain details out, which is your perogative), then it just happened.  Granted, it happened at an extremely stressful and inopportune moment, but it DIDN'T happen because of what was happening with Caitlyn, nor because of your reaction.  IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.  It wasn't Caitlyn's fault.  It wasn't your husband's fault.  IT JUST HAPPENED. I get that you probably don't believe me, and that you probably will never believe me.  That's fine.  That's also your perogative.  But you should believe me when I say that no one else thinks it's your fault, either.  Not your doctors, not any other woman who's had a miscarriage - and even your husband doesn't blame you any more than he blames himself.  If he blames you, then he must also blame himself, because certainly he could have been watching Caitlyn as easily as you could have been. My advice is to let him continue to mourn in private, if that seems to help.  Keep talking to him when he seems receptive, hang back if he needs space.  Talk to the other wives in the unit, too - it's possible that there's something else going on within the unit and what happened overseas that he's still worked up about, or has tied itself into the miscarriage in his head.  The more information you have (however you get it), the better you'll be able to understand what's going on in that stupid male brain of his. ("Stupid" said with all love, of course, since male = stupid most of the time.)
Lol I know what you mean men have alot of stupid moments. But he has told me things thats happend at war and its horrible terrifying things that I can't handle just hearing about and I think it could be a part of it. I love him dearly but it drives me crazy how he doesn't talk to me im gonna try again and see what happens ill keep you updated.
My husband and I learned how to phrase things so they are not judgements of the other people. Try going to him and saying, "When you do abc, it makes me feel xyz," No one can/should denigrate how you feel, and you are not attacking him, so there may be less chance he'll get defensive. For instance, you could say, "When you don't talk about the miscarriage, it makes me feel like I can't talk about it either, and I really need to because I am so sad it hurts." or "When you are so quiet about what happened, it makes me feel like maybe you think it was my fault. Can we talk about that?" and then JUST talk about that part of it.  For whatever reason, he does not talk about emotions--not unusual for men. If you keep pushing him to, it will lead to fights. But if you ask if he can listen to you talk about YOUR feelings, and let him know you are not looking for him to solve anything (not that a miscarriage is solvable), but just to listen and make sympathetic noises, he may respond well to that. You could also ask him what he needs/wants you to do for him, if anything. Then, respect that. Best wishesP.S. I had a miscarriage after my firstborn, and then successfully had another baby. Miscarriages are incredibly common since pregnancy tests are so accurate so early now. Before that, women would have thought they were just having a heavy period.  Also, a great book to read is "You Just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen, about how men and women communicate. It helped my husband and I a TON! 

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