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I'm just done...
I feel like its me against the world, I am not getting along with my family and samuel. I don't feel like being a mom I feel like I am in a room screaming to the top of my lungs and nobody can understand. Heres the whole story if you need me to spell it out, I got pregnant with caitlyn and after she was 3 months old I wanted a baby I used fertility drugs. I had my other pregnancy the reason I lost the baby was because I got pregnant to soon nothing els just my uterus being to weak to hold my baby at 22 weeks. I am sorry for whatever I did to deserve everything you say to me and I don't want attention I don't care what you say about it I don't care anymore. I can't do this I can't live knowing its all my fault that I had 3 miscarriages because I just had to have kids to early.
Its not your fault you had a miscarriage at all. I wouldn't mind to talk to you if you need company, I know you might be going through alot but think about your daughter she needs you and loves you. Even your husband loves you and needs you to be around you can't leave your family over things, times get hard and you feel like quiting but you can't you gotta keep going and get through it for your family. I know that its hard because I have been through something like what your going through. I had a child that died while it was in my stomach. I was 32 weeks and I had toxemia I was going to be induced in 6 days, I had a seizure and the baby died, I had to deliver a dead baby I had to be in labor with my dead child and I was so scared. I felt like I couldn't go on anymore but then I thought about my husband who needed me to be there for him, my family,friends,and all the ones who love me. I knew that one day god would give me the baby I wanted and he acually gave me 2. I am a mother of 2 now bryer and kailey I am a wife to a fantastic husband I love my life and I thank god each day for everything I have.
Oceana, How old are you? Maybe your too young and realized that many responsibilities come along with a man and a child! I hope you the best and suggest you do what is best for your child before making any drastic decisions!
I'm really sorry for everything you've been through. I know how it feels to be in a place where you are seeking support and people gang up on you. It makes everything that much harder to deal with. Sometimes the best thing is to see a therapist to help you deal with things. The internet isn't a great place for a lot of reasons. People don't know you, don't know your history and are often judgmental and rude because normal rules of etiquitte don't apply.While I do feel you made some stupid decisions, what you've been through isn't really your fault. I know how hormones affect reasoning and I know how it feels to want to do anything to have another baby. After my son was born we decided not to have more kids. My husband was scheduled to meet with a urologist to get a vasectomy. Three weeks after Harrison was born I had the strongest desire to have more kids and I felt like I'd go crazy if I didn't have at least one more baby. I was desperate and was crazy enough that I honestly tried to seduce my husband so that I could get pregnant before he got his vasectomy. It was only 2 or 3 months after Harrison was born but I didn't care because I knew what I needed. Thankfully, my plan didn't work and instead, my husband and I talked things out.We agreed that we would have another baby and my husband knew that I would try for twins. I thought about getting some Clomid either from a doctor or online, either of which would have been risky and stupid. I opted for herbal supplements instead. I was sure they'd work, but at my 20 week ultrasound there was only one baby. I was happy to learn I was having another little girl but I was devastated that there weren't two babies. My husband was absolutely against me getting pregnant again and I felt like I wanted to die. At that point all I could feel, all I could see was that I wasn't going to have the family I'd always imagined. I love my kids and I love my husband. What we have is great, but it wasn't what I'd always dreamed. To make me feel better he said we could just wait and see how things went, how I (and our budget) handled three kids. But I still knew his ultimate decision and it wasn't what I wanted.As I've progressed through this pregnancy, knowing he only wanted three kids my heart just couldn't handle it. So I began to feel like I was carrying twins after all. Every little thing gave me hope that there was a secret baby. Measuring big, feeling weird movements that shouldn't be possible with only one baby, etc. Everything told me I had two babies even though I knew there was only one. And that disconnect with what I knew for sure and what I felt was seriously driving me crazy and I thought about it all the time. Just a couple of days ago I was feeling my baby move in four different directions at once and I felt around on my belly. All I could feel was one baby's body and in that instant I finally stopped thinking there were two. Even though I want more, I'm happy with what I have. I'm extremely lucky to have two wonderful children and another on the way. We're finally starting to get prepared for her arrival and I couldn't be happier. Our family is going to be getting the best Christmas present possible and I really couldn't wish for anything else.So just when I come to terms with the fact that we're having one baby and that we probably won't have any more, my husband throws me a curveball. Last night he started talking about how much he wants to have another little boy and how great it would be to have a family just a little bit bigger. He even started asking about how we could fit four carseats in our SUV (it's a 2012 GMC Acadia with a third row). So it looks like his desire to try for another boy is starting to outweigh his hesitations about potentially having three girls. And of course, I couldn't be happier.So, I know how you feel. I've been there. Our situations may be different, but I know what it's like to feel completely alone, stressed and helpless. But having come out the other side, I know that things can change at the drop of a hat. Things get better. Things get awesome and sometimes all it takes is a change in perspective or attitude. You have a beautiful little girl. Enjoy every second you have with her because every second is precious. Every second is amazing. I've had more than my share of family problems and I know how awful it can be. But sometimes there's a point where you just have to forget about their opinions. You have to stop listening to what they have to say. If you're not getting along with them right now, give yourself a break from them. You and your husband need to keep going to therapy both jointly and individually. You've both been through some very traumatic events and it's normal to need some outside perspective to help you deal with everything. Keep your head up. Things will get better.
I want to take care of myself and caitlyn but I am mentally not awake I feel like my body is just a shell.I want a big family and I want us to be happy but nothing goes my way. Samuel is worried and thinks I am crazy he acually told my therapist that he thinks I need more then just a session every few weeks.I am acually thinking about going on vacation by myself I know how bad that is but I can't take care of her and myself and I don't think I can mentally be a mom to her.
If you really feel this way you need to do what is best for you. I think seeing your therapist once a week is a great idea when you are going through an extremely stressful time, which you are. I don't think you're crazy, I just think you're overwhelmed and don't know how to handle everything. And given everything you've been through that's totally understandable. Plenty of people see a therapist every week for lesser problems, so don't feel bad about needing the help. And if you do need even just a couple of days without your family there's no shame in that either. I know there are days where all I want is a break from my kids. Usually putting them to bed and having a couple of hours to myself keeps me from being too stressed, but sometimes it isn't. I can't tell you how great it is to just go out for a few hours by myself, but that usually only happens once every month or so, if I'm lucky. If you don't get the time you need your family will definitely feel like a burden. That's a terrible way to feel, but mama's need time alone once in a while. If we don't get it, we go crazy and that's no good for anyone.If you take care of yourself you'll feel much better. I know things have been a stuggle so far and I know how difficult it can be to see your dreams go unfulfilled. But right now, you can't think about growing your family. If you're under this much stress and are feeling like you can't be a good mom to just one child, how can you expect to handle more kids? (I can promise you that it doesn't get easier with more.) Right now you need to focus on yourself so that you can be a good mother to your daughter. You need to get a handle on things, you need to learn how to cope with the stress, the guilt and the memories of everything that has happened. Once you do that you can make the decision to have more kids.I've had difficulties with my marriage. It's not easy to share your life with someone else, even if you love them more than anything. I've had to deal with my husband's PTSD and I know you have some idea of what that's like. But things got better because we talk to each other. We're sensitive of each other's needs. We both came from divorced families and we never, ever want that for our family. So we work through things, separately and together depending on what's necessary. I know what it's like to feel like you'll never have the ideal family that you've always dreamed of. I know just how heartbreaking that is. But it doesn't have to be that way. You can have a big family if that's what you want. You just have to take care of yourself first.
Oceana, I know your going through a difficult time right now and thats completely normal and okay, I would suggest going out for one whole day. You need a break sometimes all moms do and thats fine. I have 2 kids and I love my kids but sometimes I gotta have time to do what I want to do.
Oceana, you are young and were married young. I was married a couple months before I turned 20. While I loved my husband and felt it was right it was still very tough. I was still in college and sort of missed the living on campus life I had the first two years. I also missed the socialization of college and school when I started working. I worked with a few people and there was not much time for talking. So it made for a long work day. When I saw classmates from high school graduate college and go off to the other side of the country I got a little sad. My husband is a farmer were not going anywhere. I felt lonely and sort of missed my youth. I loved my husband and never regreted getting married but it was tough. We did not plan to get pregnant and when I did I was very scarred. I was 24 when she was born and I love her but it took a long time when I was pregnant to come to terms with being a mom. Now I have my son (whom we tried for) and it is tough sometimes. I am now 27 and feel old and wonder where the time has gone. I go to a play group with friends and it helps to get out and the kids play and we socialize. I bunch of us had fall birthdays and went out to eat sans kids and husbands. It has been years since I did that and it felt great. We all said we need to do it again soon. It is good to have a break even if it is just dinner with friends. We talked for a couple hours and had a blast. Maybe a little trip is something you need to center yourself. Maybe try for a spa day or a day shopping (I know money can be tight) maybe just a day at the beach (though WV is getting cold right now) find something to do, with a friend or alone if you prefer. I never realized how nice getting away for a little bit can be.