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Unhappy Newlywed

9 answers
I am a mother of a 14 month old, and married for 7 months to her dad. We didnt live together until after we got married. In the seven months, we have sex only 10 times, the last time being 3 months ago. Anytime i try to initiate it, he would refuse and say that I am tired, or we will wake the baby and the nanny (we have a live in nanny). Other times he would say its the stress of wondering about providing for us. To add to this, he has never held a job, but does odd jobs now and then. I have a full time job, that is physically and mentally exhausting, but not too exhausting to spend time with him or our daughter.He does not help around the house, so when i get home from work, i make dinner, and play with our daughter before getting her ready for bed. all he does is spend time infront of the computer or watching movies. he comes to bed way after i have slept and wakes up mid morning. Any money he gets from his odd jobs, he spends on himself. He does not buy anything for me, our daughter or the home. When the baby was born, i didnt have health insurance, and had to pay it all from my pocket, and he didnt help. he has never willingly gone to the store and bought her diapers. I am now at the point where the straw broke the camels back. I cannot take this any longer.i have become resentful towards him and it breaks my heart because i remember the person i fell in love with.

answers (9)

why don't you try marriage consuling
I am so sorry to hear about your marriage struggles.  Adjusting to being married can take a little time, and is difficult for some couples.  Sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page right now and need to start working together.  I hear that your resentments are building, which can be errosive in a marriage, so if you have any desire to repair the marriage now is the time to take action.  Counseling, whether individual or couples, may provide you with some clarity.  Also, joining a working mother's group or club, may provide additional support (check out  You sound overwhelmed, hurt and alone and need additional support.Hope this helps,Dr. Meredith Hansen
Have you told him how you feel or are you letting things build without communicating? As a newly wed, I remember I often would do the wife thing without letting my husband know I needed help with this or that. I would get frustrated that he seemed unwilling to help and in that frustration get upset at him...then he helped me realize that men don't read minds...He wanted me just to ask. And once I started asking he would help..even if it was unwilling sometimes.It sounds like this new guy might need some motivation. He is probably used to doing his own thing, cleaning whenever, eating whenever, and so on. (Being a bachelor) He needs to understand he has responsibilities now- providing, working, etc.  And maybe you aren't communicating those clearly enough...try counseling or maybe having a man whom your man trust or is friends with explain things to him...maybe he just doesn't understand yet?
it doesn't sound like your husband is reallyinvested in your new family. you need to tell him how you feel and what you need from him. that baby has two parents, not just you. you both need to be doing these things together. you need to communicate. also, have sex! it's so important! as soon as that baby's asleep, tell him you need sex. it can solve a lot of the tension and communiction problems.
I agree with necia, Me and my husband have three kids and we have been married for about 9 months and we are basically going through the same thing but different, he has a job and helps around the house, when I ask but we didn't have sex for a month and I couldn't handle, it made me feel he didn't want me, or he was having an affair, then finally I had enough and asked him if he didn't want to be with me, and I guess he got the picture, and now we tolerate each other.  That is one thing that will relieve stress. Trust me.
I;m so sorry to hear about your troubles - I would kick him out on his butt as fast as I could.  He is not going to change and this is such a special time for you and your child.  Time to wake up!!!
Being newly weds can be very hard and having a 14 month old can add to it.  But you do still love him, so i have to agree with many of the post here and try to go to couples counseling or if you have to go by yourself!   I have been married for 9 years and have 4 children all under the age 0f 7.  Marriage can be very hard, but communicating and having good support from friends, family or even a church group is very key!  It also sounds like maybe he is a little depressed.  Guys feel like failures if they can't support their family!  He might feel inadequet to you and he doesn't know how to say it.  My husband has told me that it is very heavy on his shoulders that he has a family of 6 to support and he thinks about it all day!  If you really want to try to keep your marriage together read this book "Power of A Praying Wife" by Stormie Martin.  It is really good and gives you an insight on how men feel and what they go through.  We are built so different from me.   But I do agree with necia, you need to have sex!!  It is so healthy for both of you!
Redstilts hit the nail on the head. Your husband has expressed worries about how he can provide for you... so he's definitely bothered by the situation. It's kind of hard to feel inadequate, and even worse when you don't know how to fix it.I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that it's not that he's lazy or selfish... it's that he's never been taught how to be a good husband or good dad, so he doesn't know what to do. This is why you need to TELL him what you want, what would make you happy, and give as clear a set of directions as possible.Start with small things, like asking him to entertain the kiddo while you make dinner (you might call it "have some daddy/daughter time" so he understands that it can be a special thing and not just sort of watching her), and helping you put away the dishes or fold laundry. If he does it "wrong," either bite your tongue and ignore it, or nicely teach him the right way. Ask for what you want clearly and politely, and thank him when he's done.Once he's starting to be more hands-on, then you can start working on the bigger things, like talking about how you're going to handle money, and about how there is more to "providing" than just bringing home a paycheck. Express to him that doing things like having dinner ready, doing laundry and vaccuuming every other day, making doctor's appointments, getting the bills paid on time, and having lots of daddy/daughter time is an absolutely crucial part of family life that he CAN do, and also makes it easier for you to be at work guilt-free. Also make him a deal that when he's working you'll split up chores more equally, and when he's home he'll do the lion's share. And it goes both ways... if in the future he's working and you're at home, then you'll do more. Partnership is key, as is appreciating everything that the other does, and expressing it often! 
When my husband is acting as you describe, he's depressed.  Maybe it's worry about not providing for the family, maybe it's not knowing how to help.  Telling him what you want from him, without attacking or accusing him for not previously doing/providing these things, is a first step.  Finances, cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry.... list EVERYTHING, and decide whose job it is (you, him, or the nanny) and settle on how often it needs to be done.Definitely being the "doting wife" (read "martyr") and doing all the housework and childcare yourself is eating at you and eroding your relationship.  At the least, ask him for help with specific tasks, and be willing to take a "No".  (If you're not willing to take a "No", you weren't really asking; you were commanding.)These are some baby step suggestions to break the ice.  To truly get all the issues addressed, marriage or couple counseling is a great idea.

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