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Best of Twitter’s Honest Toddler

Courtesy HonestToddler/Twitter

Sure, every minute with our kids is a gift. We couldn’t be more thankful for them, even when we want to pull our hair out. Still, sometimes, doesn’t it feel like they’re torturing you…on purpose? Now viral sensation @HonestToddler is giving us a peak inside a little kid’s psyche, and it turns out you’re not crazy: they are messing with you. We’ve gathered his funniest, most true-to-life tweets. Plus, read our Q&A with Honest Toddler!

On annoying behavior

Trying to rush me? COMMENCE SLOW MOTION.

Waiting until my mom has finished working/cleaning like a crazy person and is about to relax before waking up from my nap.

She told me to get my shoes. I came back with a spoon.

Babysitter will be here any minute. Stripped naked and rubbed Vaseline all over my chest. Come at me, Poppins.

I'd rather watch you play with my toys than play with them myself. Dance puppet, dance.

Toddler Tip: You can only wipe your nose on YOUR mama's pants. People get weird.

On potty training

If you did a secret poo on the floor, would you bring mommy to it, cover it with a blanket, or hide? Asking for a friend.

Toddler Tip: Ask to poop at the grocery store. You get to see the warehouse and many boxes. Don't actually poop.

Doing science. Put several diapers in the toilet. Fascinating.

Toddler Tip: On the highway? Take a sudden interest in potty training. Be sure to have already pooed/peed by the time they pull over.

Toddler Tip: Whenever possible, maintain eye contact while pooping.

On eating

Crushed the contents of an entire box of Ritz crackers. Hungry for Ritz crackers. Not these ones. They're broken.

Crying for a black popsicle. I don't care if they exist or not. Make it happen.

String cheese doesn't keep well between couch cushions.

Emptied a family size box of cereal on the tile. Sounded just like a cool summer rain. Mmmmm. It really is the little things in life.

Recipe: Step on a raisin with your bare feet. Eat raisin. Enjoy!

On sleeping

In the big bed. Was knife fighting in my sleep and damaged my parents. So much power.

Back tapping. Don't try to rush it. Don't lean on my crib either. Use your core.

Woke up in the big bed again! Mom, dad and I were in letter "H" formation. Guess who was in the middle? :)

In bed. Just noticed the color of my socks. They're not going to work. Not tonight.

{C}On destroying stuff

Went up to daddy. Kissed him. Whispered, "I love you." Then handed him the pieces of his phone.

Toddler Tip: If you see a phone being charged, pull it out. NOT ON YOUR WATCH.

Open mouth sneezed on mommy's keyboard with a mouth full of crackers.

At the bank. Taking care of those pesky line cords. Karate chopped two of them. You're welcome.

On parenting

Dear mama's friend. I don't have a fever. She just doesn't want to go. Don't worry, she lies to me, too.

Common Parent Lies: "There's no more." "That's hot/spicy." "Everyone is sleeping." "Go hide, I'll come find you."

She just threw a handful of skittles on the floor. Conference call.

No story tonight. Guess the 8PM primetime television lineup is more important than my growing mind.