Last week, I wrote the editors at Parenting and said that honestly, I thought I was leaning towards the bankruptcy. I appreciate everyone’s help, but I just think I need something easy to follow.
As I typed, I was crying. Even though I have my kids as my bright spots, I honestly think I'm depressed. Zak is here, but his work schedule doesn't allow for him to really offer me any help with the kids except for Saturdays and Thursday nights. It makes me feel like I'm in this by myself, a single parent. I'm tired and time is not something I have a lot of. It’s easy to say that if I found time, I could devote it to my money problems, but there's a lot of things that I need to do with the time I have now.
I had two kids by the time I was 23, with no college degree. If I stop going to school to focus on money, I'll just be another statistic. I see more for myself and my kids. I know I can give them more if I try harder -- even with the Boot Camp, so I can buy them the house they need or get them out of our trash neighborhood. I'm just exhausted.
It feels like in the last two months, my life just spun out of control. Sad but true. Trying to create a picture-perfect family, kids, work, and school was getting to be too much to maintain, so I cut out what I felt wasn't worth dealing with at the time -- like talking to Gerry.
Like I said before, when I wrote about the bankruptcy, I was feeling really low. Taking the easy way out still makes me pay in the end. And I know that, bankruptcy or not, after the dust settles, I'll still be left to deal with this issue of money.
So I'm going to see how this all will play out. Tax returns should be in my hands by mid-February and by my estimates, I’m owed about $9,000, which would help me pay down some debt. I still want to do all the things I said I would do for myself and I will make it happen.
I knew Zak and I were dealing with issues prior to starting the Boot Camp and it was my fault for not acknowledging it. I was scared that if I took him out at the last minute, Parenting wouldn’t pick me -- and I know I need the help.
I have a few more months with Gerry and I'll do what he needs me to do in order to get the ball rolling.