This morning as I was reading my scriptures, Magoo jumped up on my bed and shoved the fist of his plastic troll up my nose. I asked him to stop, unwedged the offending appendage and continued to read. He gave my forehead a blowfish and giggled. I told him I was reading. "Oh," he said. He paused for a moment before throwing his body onto my stomach like a skydiver. I put the book down on my chest and looked at him with raised eyebrows.
"You all done your squish-pers?" he asked.
"No," I said, "I’m not done yet."
I continued to read and a huge yawn escaped my mouth. He noticed the permanent retainer cemented to the inside of my bottom teeth. His hand reached in after it.
Within a few minutes I’d decided that I really was "all done my squish-pers" until I could find a way to be all done with the kids for a few minutes.
If you were to look at the before and after photos of my life before I had kids and my life today, the difference would be staggering, worthy of a special segment on The Today Show.
Before: The bathroom was a special private place where I would go to have some special privacy.
After: I spent several minutes this afternoon sitting on the toilet with a sleepy Magoo curled up and yawning on my lap. The toilet seat actually makes a passable rocker.
Before: A workout was a time to get out my aggression and transform my body into a new lean hotness.
After: The best time to attack me is when I’m in full swing workout mode. In plank position my body makes a nifty stool. In downward dog I’m a teepee. While lifting weights I’m a human jungle gym.
Before: Vegetables were a healthful food item, something I ate to make my body stronger.
After: Vegetables are something to hide, dress up, smother, do anything to if it will make them look and taste less like vegetables and more like red 40 and high fructose corn syrup.
Before: A stick was a stick. A rock was a rock. A flower was a flower.
After: A stick is a sword. A rock is a radio, a computer or a bludgeon. A flower is a magic wand or a home for a fairy.
Before: I got lonely very easily and wanted to be with people much of the time.
After: Oh glory be! How I love a few minutes to myself!
Before: Marital intimacy was a tender and peaceful time for me and Dan to connect.
After: Dan and I schmooze in our room to the sound of loud knocks on the door, yells of "MOMMY! What you DOING?" and offers to "look and SEE MY FINGERS UNDER THE DOOR!"
Before: I thought I was really happy.
After: I know this is the best time of my life.