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Big Boys

Last night, Lucas climbed into our SUV and into his car seat all by himself for the very first time. When he was done, he proudly proclaimed, "Look Mommy! I climbed into my car seat all by myself, just like a big boy." And though I told Lucas how proud I was of him and reaffirmed his big-boy status, I was sad inside.

I remember when Lucas was just a seedling in my stomach. I remember every detail of the day I found out I was pregnant. I remember telling hubby he was going to be a Daddy and the look on his face as he raced into the bathroom to check the pregnancy test. I remember the weeks of morning sickness. I remember the first time I felt Lucas kick in my belly, and the moment when hubby and I learned he was a boy. I remember looking at my growing tummy with pride and excitement. And I remember every last second of my labor and delivery like it was yesterday. And though I can't wait to see and know the men Lucas and Justin are going to become, there is a large part of me that wants to stop time.


I can't figure out why I don't want things to change. It could be the "mortality" reason: As Lucas and Justin get older so do I, and that means there will come a time when I won't be with my boys anymore. Or maybe it's the "happy" reason: Things are so great now and we are all so happy, I don't want anything to change for fear of what the future might bring. Or it could be the "letting go" reason: As Lucas and Justin get older, they are becoming their own persons, and rightfully so, and won't need Mommy and Daddy as much. And maybe I want to stop time to ensure my children will be safe, as they are now.

Who knows what the real reason is? I suspect at least a few thousand dollars of therapy would get to the truth! But I do know that I have never, ever loved anyone or anything as much as my boys and being a parent. I thought my love for my husband was unbelievable, but the love for a child is all-encompassing and something for which nobody can prepare you. Which is why a story like this is so especially tragic, though one doesn't have to be a parent to appreciate the enormity of it.

Despite the fact I wish time would stand still, I do make sure every day to relish my boys' accomplishments and milestones. I love hearing what Lucas did at school, even though he says the same exact thing every day: "I played, Mommy." And I love watching Justin as he earnestly tries to master sitting up and holding his bottle. But most of all, I love just being with my boys, because it seems that when I worry about what's to come, time flies past me and I miss what is happening now.

the boys

I know I can't stop time, so I am bracing myself for the moment when, instead of seeing my children for who they are in the present, I will be reflecting back on who they were and how much they've grown.

No matter how much time goes by and how old your children are, a parent is always a parent. So in that respect, time does stand still. And I guess that's why in a parent's eyes, even grown children will always be "babies."