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Born Yesterday

Certain members of this family were practically born yesterday, but my crow's feet indicate that I'm not one of them. We parents may not be the smartest pork chops on the butcher's block, but recent evidence suggests that we're not quite as dumb as we look either.

When we told Laylee to stop playing with scissors two inches from her sleeping cousin's head during their communal naptime today, she said, "Okaaayy... But will you please close the door all the way when you go out?"

We did not close the door.

When I tell Magoo not to run into the street and he nods his head and says, "Okay," I'm always very careful to check his feet. If they're still moving at warp 2-years-old by the time he reaches the curb, I surmise that he has not stopped, grab him by the scruff of the neck, and carry him to safety.

Yeah, you LOOK official, but I won't be handing over the jackhammer anytime soon

There are many things my kids think they need in the night — water, more stories, cookies, and a hot stone massage. I posit that what they really need is some quality sleeping time with the hair fairy.

Laylee believes that she can create any new rule or plan any activity for our family as long as she prefaces it with, "Here's the deal." As fun as it would be for the whole family to wake up in the middle of the night and hop a flight to MooZealand to learn about space men, it's just not practical. Here's my deal — go back to bed.

I don't need a baby monitor to tell me that a wide-eyed boy yelling "HONK-SHEW!" is not actually asleep or that three 4-year-olds, a bucketful of water, a box of pretzels, and an enclosed bedroom are not a good combination.

I never fall for the, "I'm all done eating," trick. They're never all done eating. Ever. What they really mean is, "Please wash my face and hands and clean the food mess so I have a fresh canvas to work on five minutes from now when I profess to be perishing from hunger for sticky black foods."

Laylee just ran up to me squealing and said, "Hey Mom!"


Annoyed that I had responded at all, she said, "Mo-om. You can't hear me talking to you right now because I'm under the ocean!"

There's no way I'm falling for that one.


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