Someday, you'll be a teenager. You'll try to get away with things — sneaking out, lying about school work, fake IDs...every trick in the book. Well, guess what, my boy...
I wrote that book.
Your decrepit old dad was 18 for a time, too. So let's drop the pretense now and avoid a lot of effort and aggravation, okay? Here we go.
There is only one reason teenagers burn incense, and it's got nothing to do with meditation. And before you even ask, I'll answer: No, you may not have a fan in your bedroom window.
There is no "squeak-free" path through the house. Do you think we live in a converted summer cottage for the fun of it? This place creaks and groans with every footstep. It's a giant booby trap, my boy. Good luck sneaking in at 1 a.m.
Some of your friends will tell you that it's safe to drink vodka, because it has no odor. If you're willing to put their advice up against dad's nose, you do that. Let's see what happens.
When you come home with the minivan and the rear view mirror on the passenger's door is missing, you'll tell your parents that you were fiddling with the radio, got distracted and grazed a telephone pole. The truth is, you were playing a game with some of your idiot friends called, "Let's See Who Can Get Closest To The Telephone Poll Without Hitting It," and you lost. Trust me, your parents will know you're lying.
Finally, I'll give you the same warning your grandpa gave me. If you get arrested, get comfortable, because you're spending the night in jail.
Don't get the wrong impression, son. I'm not "out to get you." I simply want to save us some aggravation. And don't try to con your grandfather.
He was worse than I was.