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Glad I’m Not a Celebrity Mom

I shop at the grocery store, so I have lots of time to contemplate what my life would be like if I were a celebrity mom. I’ve decided I’m against it, and I will tell you why.

1. I would not like to claim the world record for "Celebrity Mom Hiding a Baby Bump for the Longest Time Ever Without Producing a Baby." It seems that every issue of OK! or US Weekly shows a picture of some celebrity on the cover either “hiding” or “showing off” her baby bump. If she’s holding something in front of her abdomen, she’s “hiding.” If she’s walking like a normal person, she’s “showing off.” I haven’t officially run the numbers, but I think that in about 90% of these cases, the baby bump never produces an actual baby. This is because the bump is usually a rogue cheeseburger she ate, bunched up fabric, loose skin around the midsection, a shadow, bad posture, or simply clever photoshopping.

I pretty much always have a bump bigger than most of these women. Heaven forbid someone was following me around, trying to get a picture of some type of bulge. I’d be an easy mark for the paparazzi.

2. My eyebrows.

3. Although my ponytail hair and convenient-for-nursing apparel wouldn’t exactly land me a spot on What Not to Wear, it would definitely earn me a place on the cover of the "Guess Which Celebrity Face Belongs to This Poorly-Dressed, Misshapen Shlump of a Body?!" issue of every magazine in the grocery isle. I am AMAZED at what counts as bad hair or sloppy clothing. How dare Sheila Celebrity be caught in public wearing $300 department store jeans, a rock star T-shirt and shoes that don’t match her handbag! It’s an embarrassment to celebrity moms everywhere.

If I were to ever match my shoes and handbag while adjusting to life as a new mom, I’d hope to be on the cover of a magazine in celebration of that triumph. Sadly, you’ll never see the “Let’s Applaud All the New Celebrity Moms for Making it out of the House with a Complete Outfit Intact and Their Hair Washed” edition of Star.

4. I am not creative enough to come up with names for my children that will simultaneously be lauded by some as “unique” while being openly mocked by late night TV show hosts.

5. Generally, the only people who criticize my parenting choices are my own children. That’s bad enough. Who wants to throw Kathie Lee, Star Jones, and Joy Behar into the mix?

6. My home is not big enough to comfortably house all the impoverished kids I’d need to adopt to keep up with the Joneses.

7. I refuse to dress my infant in expensive designer duds which will be spit-up on, stained or otherwise defiled in the first wearing. I’m just as happy to have Wanda destroy clearance baby clothes from Ross or, better yet, hand-me-downs. Hooray for hand-me-downs! Would a celebrity be caught dead saying that? I think not.