My parents visited earlier this summer, as you may have read. When we weren't annoying people on the mini golf course, we were embarrassing ourselves at the lake, thanks to Grace’s height and William’s inevitable transformation into a male pig.
I've always been the tallest person in my family. I outgrew my mother by the time I was in college, and my father before that. He'll be thrilled to read that I've written this for the world to see, but he's kind of short. Sorry, Dad.
However, a toddler who is barely three feet tall simply sees all adults as "big." So there we were at the lake, pretending that it's fun to eat outdoors, with the blazing sun, flies regurgitating on our food, and sandy sandwiches crunching against our teeth, when Grace asked,
"Why is grandpa huge?"
"What?!?" my wife asked.
Grace repeated, "Why is grandpa huge?"
"Well," she answered, tying to contain her hysterics,"Adults are taller than kids."
Grace said, "Oh," and went back to what she was doing. William must have been disgusted with the whole display, as he grabbed his Sponge Bob Square Pants watering can and walked to the water's edge. All afternoon he had been playing a new game he devised: He stands before you with a watering can full of water and asks, "You like water?" It's your job to say yes, and then react with glee as he dumps icy lake water all over you. It's really fun. You ought to try it some time. Or better yet, try it fifty times in a row. Man, that's awesome.
As he lifted Sponge Bob from the lake, brimming with cold, murky water, he noticed a blonde teenage girl in a small bikini walking towards shore.
His body froze as if he had seen Medusa herself. He watched her, unblinking, as she walked out of the water, onto the shore, across the sand and onto her blanket. As she sat down she noticed him standing there, and gave a little smile.
"You like water?" he said.
My son, the pig.