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Let's Have a Talk About Legs

Lessons learned from watching Disney's The Little Mermaid


1. If you're signing mortgage papers or other legal documents and your cosigner turns to her henchmen and cackles, "Now we've got her boys. The boss is on a roll," you may want to reconsider entering into any binding agreement. I would even go so far as to say never sign anything while the other party engages in a drawn-out evil cackle.

2. If you're hot, you don't need to talk or get to know your future spouse in any way. As long as you're both attractive, things will turn out fine. It doesn't matter if he has a history of eating your closest friends. If he looks good while smoking a pipe, he's marriage material.

3. Mermaids are more skillful swimmers than humans are.

4. You should never reveal your innermost thoughts or feelings to your parents because they will most likely take a blowtorch and destroy everything you hold dear. It's better to brood and go around doing stupid things behind their backs.

5. If you are sweet and beautiful and boys want to kiss you, you can be classified as a "tramp." Write that word down kids and ask your mom what it means. She will really enjoy defining "tramp" for a 3-year-old.

6. Legs are required for jumping, dancing, or strolling down a street.

7. No matter how dramatic your plight or how big the sea witch grows, your true love will always find a way to save you in the end, even if he has shown no signs of heroic valor in the past. At some point, shortly before the credits, he will show you the money.

8. Your parents really don't understand you and they certainly know nothing of love, dreams, or what it means to follow your heart. The incredibly intelligent hormones raging through your body are the only advisors you need to pay attention to. If you disobey your parents, sell your soul to an evil psychopath, ruin your life and the lives of every person in your known world because you think you're in love with a perfect stranger, it will all work out okay in the end. Your dad will realize he is a moron and will grant your every wish using his magical powers. Give him a kiss and all will be forgiven.

I was talking to Laylee about a few of these things at the conclusion of the movie. She thinks Ursula is "kind of bad but kind of nice" because she "gives Ariel her voice back" in the end. Yup, which gives me number nine.

9. The schoolyard bully can be considered "kind of nice" as long as one of your friends finds a way to make him return your lunch money and then runs him through with the splintered bow of a sunken ship.

I explained to Laylee that Ariel should never have gone to the evil sea witch but should have found some way to be obedient and work with her dad to find a solution to her problems. Laylee’s face lit up and she said, "Yeah! She should have gone to her dad and said, 'I want to dance and walk on land, Dad. Let's have a talk about legs."

Yes. Let's have a talk about legs indeed.