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Life Lessons for the Little Man

I adore him. I dote on him. I sometimes have to physically restrain myself from gobbling up his unbearable cuteness.

Magoo is the biggest source of laughter in my life right now. He is sweet, playful, kind, fun, and melon-headed. His life is a rollercoaster of emotions, from sad to happy to elated to full of despair. His mood changes at the drop of a hat.

He wants to be Spiderman, although he has no idea who Spiderman actually is. Today I turned around at a stoplight to find he’d removed his socks and shoes from his feet and was wearing his socks on his hands. He told me they were his Super Spiderman glubs. Yesterday when we were watching Olympic water polo together, he was very concerned when the coach called a “time out.” He wanted to know why all the players were in so much trouble.

There are however a few things I’d like to teach him. What follows is a partial list:


  1. If you’re playing tag with someone and he doesn’t know you’re playing tag with him, it’s just unprovoked violence.


  3. If you unroll several sheets of toilet paper and wipe your nose on them, THEY’RE done! Please do not roll them back onto the roll. Once they’re covered in your lovely green artwork, no one else wants them. The same goes for stuffing used tissues back in the box. Please refrain.


  5. When mom asks you to do something, standing in one spot and yelling “BUT MOM!” over and over again does not constitute obedience. Yelling “BUT MOM!” while doing the thing is much closer to acceptable behavior.


  7. Having wavy hair, luscious cheeks and the world’s most adorable smile will not get you out of trouble every time. There are at least 6 types of misdeeds that cannot be erased by one of your grins.


  9. If your older sister asks you to stop touching her, she will not be satisfied until you stop touching her with ALL of your body parts. One finger is not okay. Neither is one forehead, one toenail or one nostril. If she says no touching, she means NO touching.


  11. Certain mispronunciations will always be acceptable to me. Some-sing, breakfrist, Dark Vader, and cereo are a few examples.


  13. Learn to think about your bladder at various times throughout the day. Ask yourself, “Is my bladder nearly replete with urine? Would my life be more satisfying if I kept my undergarments dry?” Then gently suggest to yourself, “Perchance I will away to the nearest restroom facility.” This little snippet of personal dialogue is best carried out BEFORE we leave the store and I get you all strapped into your car seat.


  15. GO TO BED!

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