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Things I Wish My Kids Understood

I'm not talking about Life and Death matters, or Where Babies Come From or anything like that, I'm talking about, for example:

Don't talk to me when I'm trying to talk on the phone! GEE WHIZ, children! Here is something you need to know about your poor mother: she hates the phone. No, really. HATES IT. Your mother is a blogger. The only person she ever willingly talks to on the phone is Grandma, and if Mommy is talking to Grandma, you will know! Mommy will say, "Say hi to Grandma!" or "Tell Grandma what you did today!" If Mommy DOESN'T say these things it means she is talking to Customer Service or the Electric Company or a Preschool Director or The Mother Of A Kid Who Wants To Have A Playdate and it took five Xanax and a chocolate bar for Mommy to make the call in the first place. It is nigh impossible for Mommy to pay attention to the important person on the other line when you are performing your newest acrobatic tricks in front of her and shrieking, "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" Mommy IS looking at you and she wishes you would GO AWAY.

Food is served at breakfast, lunch and dinner. What is the deal with only wanting to eat when it is NOT time for breakfast, lunch and dinner? You are really driving me insane with this one, kiddos. Especially when I flat out ask you what you'd like to eat, provide you with that exact item, and you REJECT IT. What's up with that? What are you trying to do to me? All this whining and begging for yogurt, and then you have one measly spoonful? All this complaining about being HOOONGREEE and I serve you the Preschooler Trifecta of mac and cheese, chicken nuggets and grapes, and you ignore your plate completely? And then you have the nerve to pitch a fit when I won't give you a cookie? I am no longer giving you choices and I am notifying you well in advance that you will not be getting anything else until the next regularly scheduled meal or snacktime, but nothing's changed. You are still happy to shake your head at a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at noon and then look at me as if I'm the Meanest Mommy In The World when I won't give you a bowl of Cheez Its one hour later. 

Poop goes in the potty. 'Nuff said.

The stairs are not a slide. Stairs are for feet, not bottoms or tummies. They are definitely not meant to be descended head first. I felt bad the first two or three times you ran to my side with rug burns on your belly, but now you're just being stubborn. Good luck with that. 

I don't KNOW where your puzzle pieces are! Here's the thing, kids: when MOMMY is finished playing with a toy, she puts it away. She doesn't leave it in the middle of the living room floor or underneath her bed or on the stairs or on the kitchen counter or outside. Mommy has a very difficult time drumming up any sympathy for you when she's told you multiple times to clean up and you suddenly act like you have wasting disease. Mommy is sleep-deprived, six months pregnant and just folded fourteen loads of laundry - she should not be able to move faster than YOU. Also, here's a secret: when Mommy has informed you eighty-seven times that Cinderella goes in your bedroom and the Buzz Lightyear Toy Blaster goes in the bin downstairs and yet, both items persist in blocking the path between the living room and the dining room, Mommy will make them a new home in the garbage. Now you know. 

You actually can't watch Elmo whenever you want. Mommy knows you are a child of the new millenium. You have expectations. Phones have always been threen inches tall, computer screens have always been touch screens and you've never had to sit through eleventy billion My Little Pony commercials while dying to find out what happens to Jem and the Holograms. Mommy understands. But still. Not all our TV shows stream instantly from Netflix. Mommy knows you don't understand half the words in that sentence, so just try to accept it on faith. SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO WAIT TO WATCH OUR SHOWS. This is life! This is how Mommy grew up! Next time you complain about having to wait ten minutes until Elmo starts, Mommy will make you listen to her stories about having to REWIND the movies before you could watch them AGAIN.

Mommy has more life lessons she would like to impart, but right now you are howling in the bathtub because you have not figured out Life Lesson #59: Sometimes Splashing Happens.