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Monitoring My Baby

baby monitor

At what age is it considered a human-rights violation to still be using a baby monitor to spy on my children? 5, 7, 14? Last weekend my sister was telling me that she stopped using a baby monitor around the time her daughter was old enough to be out of the woods for random stoppage of breath in the middle of the night.

I was shocked. Safety is not the only reason to use a baby monitor. It is A reason, but certainly not the most fun.

I am a deaf and possibly bad mother. I sleep like Snow White after she's eaten the poisoned apple. No amount of woodland creatures or singing dwarves will wake me up when I'm really out. I certainly won't be awakened by my children rolling over or sighing in their sleep.

I've had several mothers tell me that the moment a human being was ejected from their womb, they developed X-Men-worthy hearing abilities. Some are actually able to hear their children's thoughts in the night and are awakened by them:

"Mommy, I think I may wake up and need you in a couple of minutes."

Bing! The eyes go open. "Darling! I come even now."

My kids pretty much have to scream through the monitor for me to wake up and save them. If one of my children suddenly bursts into flames in the middle of the night because I made them flannel pj's out of material that was not intended for children's sleepwear, I don't want to be the last one to know about it. What's the point in having kids if you don't get to douse them with wet stuff when they're aflame? I believe the monitor would help me in this situation.


The thing I like most about the monitor is that you don't have to guess what these people are saying.

If you turn the monitor up really loud, you can hear their dinner conversation. One may be a giant, another may look suspiciously like Belle wearing Cinderella's skirt and one may be a dog, but their voices all sound suspiciously like Laylee's.

The baby monitor also allows you to hear new songs and monologues about ice cream, Play-Doh and what your children really think about the "natural" consequences you are forcing on them.

Now Laylee is starting to catch on to the whole monitor thing and she'd like to keep tabs on me as well. The other night she asked me if I say prayers before bed in my room, too.

Me: Yes, I sure do.
Laylee: But how come I can't hear them? I have a monitor too.
Me: I must be too quiet.
Laylee: Oh.

I don't think she bought it and I'm convinced I need to start sweeping my room for bugs each night before bed.