Am I pregnant? Not really. Do I have all the symptoms of pregnancy? I'm working on it. Ever since Dan and I started talking seriously about expanding our little family again, my body's lost its mind.
My cycles are erratic, my fingers are swollen, I gag all the time and I am growing increasingly sure that everything in my house smells like pee.
"This toilet paper. Did you pee on this toilet paper? I just blew my nose with it and it doesn't smell right."
At the conference last week, I even chose to wear a dress that made me look pregnant. Granted, an empire waist can make Kate Moss look pregnant, but I made a point of greeting all my friends with, "Hi. I'm not pregnant." In fact the first person I didn't regale with my lack of news leaned in close, patted my ample waistline and asked excitedly, "Are you!?"
"No. But something in this lounge smells funny."
Baby — Are you in there?
I even ended up buying a pregnancy test in downtown Chicago just to be sure. When the result showed up negative, most of my symptoms subsided — all but the swollen fingers and the eating for two. Hey. I was on vacation. Within ten minutes, my period had started in earnest. It was as though the line on the stick had given my body permission to resume normalcy for at least the next 2 weeks.
So I started asking people, "When you want to be pregnant, do you start to sometimes imagine that you are?" The two friends I polled came back with a resounding yes. I'm not sure if they'd really experienced this kind of pregnancy hypochondria or were simply trying to calm me down before I forbade them from wearing scented deodorant in my presence.
So I'll ask you, oh wise and brutally honest internets, do you ever think you're pregnant even when you're not? Does your body ever play along with the illusion?