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Funny S*** My Kid Says and Does

Sarah Preston Gorenstein

All parents think their kid is the funniest, cutest person on earth. How many times has your kid said or done something, and you wish you’d had a camera on him? After I saw that YouTube video with the twin babies talking to each other, I was convinced: If I can just catch Preston in a moment like that, the video would not only go viral, he’d be discovered by a talent scout looking for an adorable kid for their commercial or shoot, and we’d finally be able to cash in on his cuteness.

I’m still trying to capture those moments on film (stay tuned), but in the meantime I decided to jot down a few of the things he says and does on a regular basis that make him so damn funny. He is so full of personality, it’s a little scary to think of the kind of teenager he’ll be. He knows what he wants, and how and when he wants it. He’s not the least bit shy; he’s also not the least bit aware of how loud he’s being sometimes, like when we’re in public at a restaurant and he decides to excitedly start screaming at a nearby TV, or anything he sees that triggers his excitement. He's totally unaware of the fact that people are around and he's screaming at the top of his lungs. I don't mind it when it's in a cute, funny way—but there's no telling when a tantrum will set in, and the screaming tends not to be quite as cute when he's upset. We’re heading to Arizona this weekend; it’ll be the first time Preston will be on a plane since he was five months old. And really, anything can happen—he may love the four-hour flight there, or he may not. But I know one thing for sure: There will be noise coming from our row.

My apologies in advance to anyone on our flight.

Preston was always a very verbal kid—he’s been talking since he was about four months old—but it’s only recently that we can understand what he’s saying. He’s finally putting sentences together, and has really come into his own as a person. He has definitive opinions and tastes about EVERYTHING (I wonder where he gets this from?).

 Some of the funnier things he’s said and done lately:

1. He calls my husband by his first name, Jay, instead of Dad, a lot of the time. It started by him just repeating me, but now he does it on his own: “Jay! Jay! Jaaaaaay!”

 

2. He also calls my mom Franny, instead of Granny Franny, which is what all her other grandchildren call her (the only people who call her Franny are her old friends). We are constantly correcting him; at first he couldn’t put the two words together, but then it just stuck. So “Franny!” it is.

 
3. He calls me “Babe” about half the time, because that’s what Jay usually calls me. Jay rarely says my name, come to think of it. It’s always, “Babe, will you get the phone?” “Babe, how much longer are you going to be?” "Babe" this and “Babe” that. Ever since we started dating, “Babe” was our term of endearment for each other. So now Preston calls me “Babe” too. It’s kinda cute.

 

4. Friday night we brought Preston to synagogue with us for a special service for Yom Kippur, the holiest of holy days. My dad is very involved in our synagogue so it was important to him that we all go. The congregation is pretty old, so there aren’t a lot of little kids running around. In fact, Preston was the only toddler there on Friday night. At some point during the service he turned around in his chair, looked out into the congregation, and announced, "Mommy, pee-pee! Poopy!” The place was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. It was pretty priceless. Everyone but my dad was very amused. 

 

5. Preston has a new obsession with J. Lo, specifically her video for “On the Floor” featuring rapper Pitbull. Jay must’ve put it on once, and ever since he’ll ask for J. Lo out of the blue. “J. Lo? J. Lo? Jaaaay Looooo?” And when we put her video on our computer, the dance session begins (I’m trying to capture this on video, it’s HILARIOUS). He goes into a full-blown J. Lo trance, shakes his head around like he’s at a rave or something, and actually knows the words to the song. “Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Dance the night away, Live your life and stay young on the floor.”

 

6. He also loves LMFAO. We taught him to fist pump in the car yesterday. The kid has rhythm.

 

7. I’ve mentioned his love for Yo Gabba Gabba. He knows every episode by heart, now he even recites the lines before they say them. And does the dancey dance routines before they do them. It’s sick.

 

8. Every night before we go to bed, once I’ve put him in his crib, he insists on asking me about everyone else in the family, and whether or not they’re also sleeping. This is part of his let’s prolong the sleep routine bit. It always starts with: “Jo Jo? Emma? Koby? Auntie Kim? Uncle Michael? Franny? Saba Lee? Nana? Poppi? Mari? Aron? Adam? Max? Ben? Ally? Jordy? Barkley? Lucky?” The list goes on. Yes, everyone on god’s green earth is sleeping, now will you lie your head down and go the f*** to sleep!?

 

9. “I want to drive.” This is a newer one, and he says it every time we get in the car. I keep telling him he has 13 years to go, which seems way too soon to me.

 

10. I sneezed in the car on Saturday and he said, “Bless you, Mommy.” That one killed me. He’s only two!

 

I can only imagine how this list is going to grow as he gets older… He’s such a ham, and loves an audience, so as soon as he realizes he's making people laugh that’s all the reinforcement he needs. Sunday we stopped by our aunt and uncle’s house to see one of our cousins off before returning back to college for his senior year, and all his friends were there watching football. I’ve never seen so much testosterone in one room. There were like four games on four different TVs, and every time a good play was made and the boys in the room clapped and cheered, so did Preston. But he would also scream at the top of his lungs, like he had just won the biggest bet of his life. He had no idea what he was rooting for, but it didn’t matter: Any excuse for a good, blood-curdling scream. We are in serious trouble.

What are some of the cute/endearing/embarrassing things your kid says and does?

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