I love the month of May. Not only was I married in May, but this month marks Mother's Day and my son Kiserian's birthday. May makes me think of spring, new life, new beginnings, so I decided to launch the month with some zany Mom-friendly inventions. Enjoy!
10. The Pump-On-Demand Bra. For new moms: An effortless breast-pumping bra that goes into action whenever baby needs milk and Mom needs a break; milk is stored in side pockets right below the armpit. For moms who've been around the block: A breast lift-up and pump-out bra for those of us who are volume-challenged (thanks in part to breastfeeding ALL five kids) and who want some ummph when we walk through the grocery store and pass Ms. Perky Never-Had-Kids, shaking her head at how frumpy we look.
9. The Dish+Car Washer. For those of you whose dirty dishes require the same jet-engine strength as your car, this combo deal allows you to drive through and get your dishes sparkly clean while your mini-van is polished, too.
8. The Get-the-Baby, Strap-Him-In, and Rock-Him-Rocker. When you're passed out on the couch, too zombiefied to get up and soothe your crying child, just clap your hands and a rocker with little robot arms follows the sound of your baby's wail, grabs him, straps him in, and rocks him back to sleep. Oooh, that's sweet. (Okay, maybe a little dangerous, but could you roll with me on this one?)
7. Tunnel-Vision Glasses. You never expected the stretch marks, facial hairs, and sagging that motherhood brought you — and neither did your man! These glasses allow men folk to see the beautiful, wonderful caring, kindhearted women we were at the beginning of the journey. Wives can have their own pair, rendering underwear on the floor and the seat up invisible.
6. The Psychic Hotline. This is for Dad: A psychic travels along with Mom all day, listening to her conversations and observing her actions, then delivers a thorough synopsis to Dad before he walks through the door. This way he knows just how to treat you when he gets home, and you're spared the effort of debriefing him on all that you’ve been through and all that you’re thinking.
5. An Entourage. How crazy is it that we watch TV and think "I want to look like that"? Do we know what it takes to REALLY be that fine? Here's what's required: a stylist, a personal assistant, a spiritual advisor, a personal chef… Forever Fly as I am, I need all of that, along with one more thing. See. #4.
4. A Body Double. I've challenged myself to tone up some areas, but when I have to choose between an apple and apple pie with ice cream (is there any other way to eat apple pie?), guess what I choose? And even when I work so hard to better my body for a special occasion, without #5, I still run the risk of having my nemesis show my up. So who doesn't need a double?
3. An Eject Button. I've been known to talk about how much I love the family bed, but when you're trying to keep your romance grade above a D you've got to draw some limits. We've tried signs and signals, but if they’re not old enough to read...the eject button is the only way to go.
2. A Mute Button. For those of you who have not yet mastered the tune-out skill or who really do listen to your children talk for forty minutes about Power Rangers and STILL don't know what's going on, save yourself some agony and press the mute button. Especially helpful when you're driving in the car and they're arguing over who has the coolest Yo-Yo (even though they are all the SAME).
1. A teleprompter. How many times have your kids said something and you don't have a response? "Mommy, did you know that Venom is going to be in Spiderman 3, and then Spiderman 4 is when everyone gets powers?" Was he talking to me? Was that rhetorical? Should I have read something on Yahoo but missed it? Deep breath. Look to the right and read from teleprompter: "No, honey, I didn't know that Venom was in this movie. He's from the comic book. I think he'll make a great nemesis. Wonder if the Green Goblin is going to return?" No more moms making crazy comments like "Green Day? Aren’t they an environmental activist group?"