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Updated Résumé

HALFMAMA
Chicago, IL
Executive Mother

GOALS
Short-term: To get kids sleeping past 5:30am. To teach them to wipe own butts (effectively). To schedule activity and keep them entertained for next four hours.
Long-term: To survive through college — mentally and financially. To plan and go on long vacation afterwards.

QUALIFICATIONS
Primarily skilled in teaching kids how not to raise their own kids. Strong background in digging snot out of noses, ignoring whining, and providing background for years of therapy. Proven problem-solving capabilities in refereeing arguments between non-verbal little people by highly intellectual method of NOT REALLY CARING WHO HAD IT FIRST.

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE
Prior to 2004
BABYSITTER, Handful of Babysitting Jobs
• Babysat.
• Effectively fell asleep on couch after putting kid(s) to bed.

COUSIN, Older Cousin to Cousins
• Harassed and terrorized younger cousins.
Accomplishment:
• Built strong foundation for younger cousins' therapy sessions.

Current/Ongoing
AUNT JANET/MO' KOMO*, Aunt to Nieces and Nephews
• Play/hang out with nieces and nephews when possible.
• Miss nieces and nephews severely due to distance/scheduling.

2004-Present
MOM/MOMMY, Mother to Bean & Buddy and Co-President of Our Household Inc.
• Played key role in conception of twins.
• Incubated for 36 weeks while effectively combating nausea and nonstop hiccups and fights in utero.
• Strategically gained 45 lbs. by eating while sitting on swollen buttocks.
• Birthed two 6 lb. 2 oz. babies.
• Nursed, pumped, nursed, pumped, nursed, pumped...er, effectively.
• Reorganized kitchen and home to allow for Oh My God Why Do Babies Come with So Much Crap™ warehouse of supplies.
• Co-wrote book of infants' feeding/burping/napping/pooping schedule (available in limited release).
• Collaborated with Co-Pres. to negotiate with and guide twins through first feedings, first fights, first road trips, first plane flights, first etc.
• Ensured survival of Our Household Inc. after entering the maelstrom that is twinfants.
• Negatively impacted efforts of survival during hysterical calls of I’m Having A Breakdown Today to Co-Pres.
• Established tension and borderline clinical behavior after being fine just hours later.
• Directed activities of toddlers through Our Household Inc.'s patent-pending Go Play With Each Other While I Rest My Eyes system.
Accomplishments:
• Once caught flying excrement using diaper as catcher's mitt.
• Established babies on rigid nap/feeding schedule with total lack of flexibility and to point of sheer craziness that only deliriously tired mothers exhibit.
• Waited (impatiently, but still — waited) for day to come when twins could play with and entertain each other.
• Occasionally cook dinner.

EDUCATION
Blogs/Articles/Forums, 2004-Present
Location: Any English-Speaking Countries, TI (The Internet)
BPII (Bachelor of Panic Inducing Information), with Minor in TTS (Total Time Suckage)

HOBBIES
Blogging and proving (to myself) there's more to me than being a mom. Also: making stuff, and not completing projects.

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Note: Obviously this is tongue-in-cheek and I in no way think that I do or did any of these things effectively (the positive things anyway). But that just seems like a nice résumé-ish word, so I peppered freely.

So what would your résumé look like these days?

* Komo is the word for Aunt in Korean. My nephew once referred to my sister as Komo and me as Mo' Komo, and it stuck because he is one of the smartest and cutest kids in all the land.

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