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Nookie Monster

Dear hard working, underappreciated, beautiful moms –

Was it something we said? We’re still trying to figure out your last excuse for not having sex, the one you dropped after stepping out of the shower: “Not now. I have to clean the vacuum.” That doesn’t make any sense. How does one even do that? Does it require another vacuum?

We apologize for asking. Post-baby romance is a difficult path to navigate, but doing so is good for everyone. Sex relieves stress, boosts immunity, and increases endorphins that relieve pain. If we’re happy, the kiddie can only benefit.

We know, we know: It’s easier for men to get in the mood. Trying on a new pair of slacks gets us in the mood. We’ve heard foreplay for a woman starts the day before, but you weren’t home yesterday. Should we have started without you?  

You’re right. Our seduction methods thus far have been uninspired. We’re simply doing what we did before the kid arrived and are hoping for the same results. We’re the guys who sold tons of popsicles all summer, but can’t figure out why sales slowed down in December. “People must not like grape and cherry flavors when it snows,” we thought to ourselves. 

So please, help us help you. Any tips? Suggestions? Someone please buy us a copy of What To Expect When You’re Expecting Sex

There are a lot of things we do understand. You need time to heal from the vaginal delivery, episiotomy, c-section, etc. We’re there for you with back and foot massages, take-out, and 3am feedings. But when the appropriate time comes, what’s the best way to broach the subject? So far, when we ask about sex, you utter a noise like you discovered a dead raccoon in the swimming pool.

It’s equally important for you to know where we’re coming from. The truth is we look at your new mom body - the hair tied up in a ponytail, the spit-up stains on your T-shirt - and we see a hot mama. Really. Perhaps men are simply built that way, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

So what’s the answer? We think it’s a frank conversation that lays everything on the line. You tell us how and what you’re feeling. We’ll tell you that revising our sex life’s roadmap requires some help. Most couples address post-baby romance through body language: him with a raised eyebrow, her with shrugged shoulders. Now’s the time for some real talk. Granted, it will be an awkward conversation, but no more awkward than discussing the consistency of our new roommate’s poop. We need to take control of our love life. We can’t wait for lit candles to magically appear around the bathtub. 

After the talk comes the toughest test of all: patience. We’ll be patient waiting for you to feel normal again. You be patient as we stumble and mumble in an attempt to gage your physical and emotional well-being. We’re not mind readers. We’re just men, nothing more, nothing less. Our mother-in-law said it best: “You’re a good man, but a man is all you’re ever be.”

Love, Guys