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An Open Letter to Kanye West

Courtesy Baby Bling Things Boutique

Dear Kanye—

First off, I want to say congratuleezy on your impending beezy with Keezy Kardeezysheezy. Pregneezy is arguably the most critical time in a woman’s life, and it’s important for dad to make those nine months as eezy as possibleezy. (Should you need help, check out my fatherhood manual, Show Deezy Heezy.)

I cannot think of two individuals better prepared to be parents. Why? Because you’re used to being judged—like relentless Judge-Judy-on-Red Bull judged—and parents are the most judgmental people on earth. Remember when you said, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” on the Hurricane Katrina telethon, and everyone freaked out? Moms react that way when they hear someone isn’t breastfeeding. (No, seriously.) Parents put the “mental” in judgmental.

When the faceless pundits on social media got word of the pregnancy, they were characteristically vitriolic: A flock of flu-riddled finches couldn’t have delivered more sickening tweets. But you’re still out there, still strong, seemingly unaffected. Sure, one of you is curled up in the fetal position, but that’s only to be expected.

Anyone who wants to know what kind of father you’ll be can look no further than “New Day,” a track from Watch the Throne:

And I’ll never let my son have an ego

He'll be nice to everyone, wherever we go

I mean, I might even make ‘em be Republican

So everybody know he love white people

And I’ll never let ‘im leave his college girlfriend

And get caught up with the groupies in the whirlwind

And I'll never let ‘im ever hit the telethon

I mean even if people dyin’ and the world ends

See, I just want 'im to have an easy life, not like Yeezy life

Just want ‘im to be someone people like

Don’t want ‘im to be hated, all the time judged

Don’t be like your daddy that would never budge

You’re totally on point, Kanye. So many dads want their child to be a better version of them, as if the parent is an iPhone 3 who expects to have an iPhone 4. (“Look, my son has Siri.”) But you want your child to be different, to be an individual, which is the most attainable goal we can give our offspring. A child comes through you, not for you.

I wish you much love and happiness with your growing family. In a weird way, it feels like the Kimye baby is our baby too. Think about it. You are the son of a Black Panther and an English professor and a child of divorce. You are a self-made success who lost his mom due to complications from plastic surgery when you were in your 20s.

Kim is the daughter of a third generation immigrant, a prominent attorney who once defended a famous world-class athlete. Her father passed away when she was in her 20s. The stepdad is a famous world-class athlete who’s had plastic surgery.

You are African-American and Armenian-American. You are children of California and the South and the Midwest. You were raised by single parents and stepfamilies. You are the product of the law and the rebellion.

Your child might just be the most American baby ever made.