Another closet rod just fell down and tore down part of another wall. I can't tell you how thrilled I was to be picking up a closet's worth of clothes again — dusted with bits of plaster — and lugging them into the baby's room, which has become our new closet. I'm kind of worried that our new condo is crashing down on us. I realize that this latest breakdown is the fault of the seriously sub-par handyman who put up our closet rods (and the rest of our condo really is quite nice), but the experience still does not inspire me with faith in our new home. What's next, an exploding toilet?
I know, I know, moving in and getting everything settled takes time. But I'm trying to nest here and get things set up, and cozy, and livable in preparation for the baby, and when the closets keep crashing down, it kind of puts a wrench in my plans. Not to get dramatic, but the collapsing condo feels a bit like a metaphor for how I'm feeling:
I'm exhausted, feeling stretched to my limit (working full days at the office and then coming home and dealing with the new handyman, putting up curtains, moving furniture, still finalizing our will and life insurance — why can't they get that finished?! — getting names of vets in the area, finding the grocery stores, starting research on doulas, etc.), and I'm a little nervous that I won't be able to hold up under the pressure of this pregnancy and its end result of eventually taking care of a new baby. My husband is at the office pretty much non-stop, so this is all weighing down on me — and I may just crack.
It's funny — Halle Berry is 4 months pregnant now too, and she's doing the talk show rounds for her new movie, and her pregnancy experience is just a little bit different than mine, to say the least. She was saying that now that she's pregnant, all of the other cares in her life have disappeared and all that matters to her and her boyfriend is the baby. Maybe if I had enough money to pay someone else to fix my home, to interview doulas, to take care of my life insurance, to get my home phone line set up — and go to work for me — then I could just focus on the miracle of life. But right now, I've got a lot going on. (I know celebrities have worries too, but I'm pretty sure they can afford a lot of help to take care of many of those worries.) So yes, my pregnancy is the most important thing in my life, but it's hard to balance it with my everyday to-do list.
I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that I've got to get more sleep and start taking better care of myself. Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy this time and to indulge myself before the baby comes. I don't have a ton of time for that but I've really got to try to make it happen. I want this baby to grow in a calm, healthy environment, so sleep and self-care needs to be more of a priority.
On that note, I signed up for the gym in Hoboken. I hadn't worked out since we moved (plus, I was too nauseous to exercise at my normal frequency during the first trimester), so now that I'm feeling less queasy, I'm going to really try to sleep more, exercise more, not stress out about the condo, and generally Zen out. It should help me and the baby. Here's hoping.