A quick moment of triumph to share: Last night, my STBX had to sleep over so he could take Miss Monkey to school. I had to leave waaay before drop-off starts. (More proof that I need an au pair.) But yesterday afternoon, he asked if he could stay again tonight. It's his weekend w/our daughter and he's planned some kind of Halloween activity that's about an hour's drive north. He lives about an hour south. I came thisclose to saying ok, before I realized: No. Way. It's a bad precedent and it's plain confusing for our kid. Two days in a row with both mommy and daddy=waaaay too much hope.
Over the last couple of days, I've been noticing the start of shift. I'm suddenly feeling REALLY ready to start dating. To Move Forward. I think it's because I need to feel in control of something...anything...in my life. Clearly, this divorce is going to happen. He's not going to change his mind...and even if he did, I'm pretty sure I still wouldn't change mine. Which I know must seem so contradictory to so many of my posts, which practically drip with sadness. It's not that the sadness has suddenly evaporated. It hasn't. It's more that a sense of resolve and acceptance is moving in. This is going to sound so dorky but it all sort of struck me at lunch: Once a week or so, I treat myself to a chicken salad melt at the deli next door. The grill guy knows me, knows my order, and is always sooo sweet to me. In fact, last week, he gave me a tinfoil rose! And today, he not only told me that he gives the rose only to his most special customers, but also that it was very important that I keep it at work: He didn't want to start any trouble at home (seriously, he's SWEET). I told him he didn't need to worry about that. And he said, "But what about the husband?" I told him he was gone. The poor guy was beet red and apologized about five times in five seconds for asking. Without even thinking, I said, "No, no, it's okay. I'm not embarrassed and you don't need to be either." And you know what, it's totally true. I kind of love that.