I am so ready to bid this week good riddance. Too many things just threw me for a loop, as my mom would say, and I'm completely depleted. Just as I started to shake my funk over our 20th anniversary, my SIL...who hasn't really spoken to me since the separation...texted me that she got engaged. To be clear: The rift between us is one rooted in discomfort and weirdness (on her part)...not anger or resentment (on either parts). Frankly, I think she hasn't known what to say or do, and that's ok. We've had a wonderful relationship though, and I've missed her. So knowing that I was on her must-contact-immediately list meant a lot. A couple hours later she called me and told me the whole romantic story (fancy dinner, ring in a cracker jack box, tears and cheers), which I loved. And then she said, "I know things have been awful and weird, but you'll be there, right? I mean, I can't imagine you not being there. No matter what you're my sister." I couldn't even finishing talking, the tears came so fast. I promised I'd be at church no matter what and she said she'd understand no matter what.
When I hung up the phone, I slid to floor and sobbed. I'm so happy for her and have been predicting engagement since last spring. I couldn't wait to be there to help during all the planning. Now, like so many things I'd always counted on, I won't be a part of it. Instead, I'll be a guest, like everyone else. And so, that kicked off a string of woe-as-me days that culminated with finding out a close friend is pregnant. Which I'm rationally over the moon about and emotionally kind of a mess about. I can't stop thinking that I'll never have that chance again. To feel those amazing little kicks. To breastfeed. To watch all those amazing firsts. Most of all, I can't shake the anger that my husband's choices will mean our daughter will probably never know how wonderful it is to have a sibling. And I really can't shake the guilt and shame I have for even having these feelings in the first place. I know, I know... feelings are just feelings. They don't make you a good or bad person. And yet what kind of girl feels jealous over other people's much-deserved joy and happiness? Ugh. Which is exactly why I can't wait to kick this damn week out the door. xo, Evie