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Facebook Statuses I Didn’t Post

Erin Zammett Ruddy

I am constantly drafting facebook status updates in my head but they rarely make their way to my fingertips because, well, my offline life gets in the way. Or I think better of sharing something related to my kids’ poop. Or I worry that I’ve already hit my quota of funny/cute/naughty kid posts for the week. Or I just decide that most of this stuff is not really that interesting to anyone but me and the grandmothers. That said, I like to jot down these thoughts so that I can free up some space in my head and, well, it would be a shame for all this profound thinking to go to waste so I share it with you (read my previous lists here and here). 

Here’s what’s been on my mind lately but, for one reason or another, hasn’t made it into my feed:

“Alex told me I was skinny today and I was (embarrassed to admit this) excited until he said, ‘You know, like you really have a lot of skin.’”

"When Nora’s hair is wet and just brushed she is a dead ringer for Rocky from Christmas Vacation. Who I actually think is very cute, despite his lip fungus.”

“These words came out of my mouth while teaching Alex to ride a two-wheeler (and needing to prove to him that I know what I’m doing): ‘Al, relax, I’ve been riding a bike for 30 years.’ Is that even possible? I thought I was only 27?”

“This has been the kind of week where I have approached the power hour (dinner, bath, bedtime) with desperation in my heart, expletives in my head and a glass of wine in my hand. Every. Single. Night.” 

“My kids just got into an actual fistfight over who got the last of the homemade kale chips. I’m trying to focus on the 'homemade kale chips' part of that sentence.”

“I just made myself a s’more in the microwave. I’m home alone.”

“Nick took Nora to the doctor because she’s been whining so much lately we thought surely she must have something legitimately ailing her. Her diagnosis: She’s healthy as a horse, just a pain in the ass. Awesome.”

“Places other than our bathroom where Nora has pooped this week: Target, camp drop-off for Al, the library, the bank, Stop-n-Shop (twice in the same trip), a birthday party, Bloomingdales, a bucket at the beach.”

“Alex and I were at the dentist for our cleanings and she asked us how the flossing has been going. I told her we weren’t doing it as much as we should. Alex elaborated: ‘Actually, we don’t even have any dental floss in our house right now. We ran out a while ago and my mom hasn’t bought more.’ Busted.”

“Make that two s’mores.”

“I just stepped out of a long, relaxing shower and was greeted by Nora: ‘Mom, Alex just said What the F**k to me.’ What’s worse: I know he didn’t say it because he doesn’t say the really bad words. Nora pretended that Alex dropped an F bomb so she could repeat it to me while tattling. Have I mentioned the mounds of trouble we’re in with this child?”

“Is there anything better than showering alone? Oh yes, sitting on the toilet alone. That takes the cake. Boy do I miss that.” 


Any mom updates been forming in your head lately but weren't quite FB-worthy to share? Here's the place to do it!