Every year, we, as a society, create in-depth resolutions to declare a fresh start to our lives. We write lists; we make promises; and we swear we are going to do our best to try all the things we said we were going to try the year before. And, after one week—or in my case, one day—most of the promises are broken and the excuse-making process begins.
I've decided to put an end to this cycle. Here are the 10 New Year's resolutions I'm not making in 2016:
1. I'm not going to do laundry more often.
I personally think there's nothing wrong with having your entire couch covered with three weeks worth of laundry. It adds some extra cushion for your buttocks when you sit down and ignore it for another week.
I'm writing this while eating a Ring Ding, so who are we kidding? The probability of me actually changing my eating habits is slim to none. I might make it a week without my best friend Little Debbie and her snack cakes, but in the end, we are destined for a life together. She's a strong lady. I think she's the one who really took down Hostess.
3. I'm not going to read more.
I spent the past year in a book club filled with kind and lovely ladies. However, I read only half of one book and wrestled with the guilt every time I pretended to know what they were discussing. There are only so many times I can say, "Oh yes, I see the complexity of that character," especially when they are talking about plot.
4. I'm not going to give up my nightly cocktail.
You don't want to see that woman. I'm not an alcoholic, so don't be concerned. I simply like ending the night with a glass of wine or a nice martini. It transforms me from the spit-up covered mother, who hasn't brushed her teeth or hair all day, into a woman who potentially might be attractive with a little cleaning up. Maybe.
5. I'm not going to take on a home repair project.
Or rather, let my husband take one on. Our house works just fine. Yes, you have to shake the handle three times before the toilet flushes all the way, and yes, the shelf holding our toiletries is held together by bungee cords, but trust me, it's better than what would happen if I left him alone with a drill and home repair videos on YouTube.
Yes, I know I should. But the fact is, it kind of feels good sometimes. And it also scares them just enough that they don't want to see my version of crazy-eyes come out again anytime soon. However, I do find this method ineffective in marriage. For that, I resort to other tactics, like guilt and spontaneous sloppy crying.
7. I'm not going to appreciate life more or try not to sweat the small stuff.
I'm a New Yorker. Stress is an emotion we covet. It's like the air we breathe—well, the air that isn't polluted from all the large buildings and rats living in the sewer.
8. I'm not going to call my friends more.
Heck, I don't even have time to call back my mother, let alone that college roommate I had freshman year. No, I'm just going to continue to "like" their Facebook statuses and cute pics of their children until it's time to get drunk together at our college reunion.
There's actually a stronger possibility of me spending more than ever saving more. With so many emails every day about sales on shoes and handbags, how can I possibly be expected to save money for my child's college education?
10. I'm not going to have sex more often.
The new year doesn't suddenly make me not tired at the end of the night or bring out the sex kitten my husband wishes was lurking deep inside me. No, the new year simply makes me fantasize about someone inventing a pair of sweatpants with a removable panel down below so I can still wear them during sex.
So happy new year to you all. I hope every resolution you make comes to fruition. And if they don't, I hope you don't let the guilt get to you. Try eating a Little Debbie snack—it always makes me feel better.