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Halloween Costume Advice from Honest Toddler


    Dearest parents of the world, a bit of advice when helping your toddler choose a Halloween costume. Remember this is about her, not you, so keep in mind that she has to show her face at the park the next day. Your toddler is not an American Girl doll. She's a human being. And Halloween isn’t just a chance for you to show off to everybody on Facebook/Instagram how creative and/or strange your mind is.  

    Take, for example, this tiny hobo. I actually didn’t realize this was a costume at first. I thought this child was simply neglected. I mean, what’s that on his face? Magic marker? Chocolate? Poo? Dressing your child as a homeless person is a wonderful way to teach him to reach for the stars in life. Bravo. 

    Next up: Walking, talking diaper rash 

  • Courtesy of the manufacturer

    I can only assume that this infant is dressed up as diaper rash. Diaper irritation is not a joke. This just makes me angry. 

    Next up: 18 months and life to go

  • Courtesy of the manufacturer

    Oh wow. So no college fund then? Were the pimp costumes all sold out? I don’t even like infants, but this is tragic. The only redeeming factor of this costume is the fact that most babies are thieves so it’s not completely off. 

    Next: Of mice and menace

  • Parenting

    A common theme in these costumes appears to be passive aggressiveness and the latent feelings of resentment that parents harbor against their children. I’m wondering if this toddler asked to be a deceased rodent or if daddy is having a hard time with cosleeping. 

    Next: Want fries with that small fry?

  • Courtesy of the manufacturer

    Most adults have a hard time admitting when they’ve run out of ideas. This “costume” required about as much thought as I put into cracker smashing. I’m not sure what this child is smiling about. They’re laughing at you, not with you, man! Stop being a fool. 

    Next: Yo Gabba, Gimme a Break!

  • Parenting

    I’m pleased that this toddler has taken the initiative to remove his shirt, but why stop there? I can tell by the design that those leggings were purchased at the Yo Gabba Gabba gift shop and I hope his mother kept the receipt. This isn’t a costume so much as it is an entire family’s cry for help.

    Adults, Halloween isn’t about you. It’s about cavities and happiness. Please put your terrible costume ideas in a safe place like the top of the fridge next to the cookes (yeah I know about those).

    PS. If you’re distributing goods and have the urge to pass out raisins, please spend Halloween in a hot bath and don’t answer the door. Shame on you.