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22 super-strange products you’ll never need (we don’t even know what a Placenta Brooch is!).
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Babies are great and all, but you know what would make them even better? If they weren’t so bald. These delicate hair bands with attached mop top may have been the basis for the Saturday Night Live ad spoof for baby toupees, but these appear to be 100% for real.
Designer Barf Bags
There are some things you just can’t pretty up, and vomit is one of them. Yes, it’s a good idea to keep a bag in your purse if you’re prone to bad morning sickness, but we don’t think a bamboo-patterned bag is going to make you feel any more zen about hurling.
Temperature Test Duck
No one wants to scald their child with too-hot bath water, but we’re a bit puzzled by this ducky. You have to pick it up and turn it over to check the temp gauge underneath, at which point wouldn’t you have just felt the water?
Perfume is supposed to make you feel alluring, not remind you of that time you spent an hour getting Play-Doh out of the carpet. So we don’t really get this limited-edition scent, which says “playtime” more than “sexytime.”
Bathroom Baby Harness
Ok, we admit, this has happened to us: you’re busting to use the bathroom while wearing your baby, and there’s not a germ-free spot to put him down while you do your business. Solution: this hanging harness. However, you have to remember to cram it into your already crowded diaper bag—and this unique situation will probably occur maybe four times in your life, which comes out to about $10 per pee.
Baby Bum Fan
If your babe’s prone to diaper rash, you know it’s a good idea to let his nether regions air out. But you know what works well for that? Plain old air, not the kind pushed out by whirring blades aimed at the family jewels.
Some people wear their heart on their sleeve, others wear their afterbirth on their lapel.
Who doesn’t want more pee receptacles in their home bathroom?
Baby String Bikini
Two-piece swimsuits do make for easier diaper changes, but does the bikini have to look like something straight off the beaches of Brazil? Also, reality check: these string ‘kinis, which are available in sizes starting at birth, are too tiny to actually wear with a diaper. Now that’s a pool evacuation waiting to happen.
Shirts that Stimulate Babies
You’d give up a lot for your kids—lazy weekends, a flat stomach, a clean car—but do you have to give up your sense of style too? Infants might like the black and white patterns on these shirts, but they’re making everyone else’s eyes bleed.
Babies are born with their own luscious signature scent called Eau de Baby Head. Why would you want to cover it up with something from a bottle?
Can’t nurse? No problem! Just strap on this comfy-looking contraption. Or, um, just buy a bottle.
We’ve all been there: you notice a little something hanging off your kid’s nose, and you don’t have any tissues on hand. The Snozzie makes sure you always have a handkerchief at the ready, but we can’t get past the fact that for the rest of the day, you’ll be wearing boogers.
You’ve heard of a conversation starter? This is the ultimate conversation stopper. “My, what a pretty necklace! What is it?” “A fetus. In a jar of blood.” “…”
Parent and Child Leash
Because the humiliation of treating your kid like the family pet is not enough, now there’s a fanny pack attachment that adults can wear to stay physically connected to their child.
Wouldn’t it be great if your kids would do the vacuuming for you? The only problem is that most kids we know are petrified of the vac. Also, letting them go to town with major sucking power doesn’t seem like the best idea we’ve heard.
Those few weeks when baby wants to walk but still needs to hold your hands are indeed hard on your back. But this sounds equally hard: wrestling your baby into this harness approximately 57 times a day.
Toddler Changing Table
With diaper changes made this easy and convenient, why ever learn to use the potty at all?
Haven’t lost the baby weight yet? Don’t waste your time with healthy eating or exercise. Just tug on this waist wrap fortified with caffeine to help “remove fat.” Um, we’re pretty sure that if caffeine got rid of fat, most sleep-deprived new moms would look like Kate Moss.
Kids might have questions about exactly how that baby in your belly’s going to come out. Why not just show them with this extremely graphic birth doll, complete with detachable placenta?
Another Birth Doll
This birth doll takes the TMI a step further with extreme anatomical correctness. Is it just us, or is it cold in the birthing center?
…And Yet Another Birth Doll
This “Frankentoy” depicts a dinosaur with a flamingo head and Nemo arms giving birth to Mickey Mouse. And you thought your labor turned you into a monster…