Gear

Totally Weird Baby Products

by Sasha Emmons


Totally Weird Baby Products
Shop Story

22 super-strange products you’ll never need (we don’t even know what a Placenta Brooch is!).

 

1 of 22 Image Credits: Pinterest

Baby Bangs

Price:$11.96

Babies are great and all, but you know what would make them even better? If they weren’t so bald. These delicate hair bands with attached mop top may have been the basis for the Saturday Night Live ad spoof for baby toupees, but these appear to be 100% for real.

2 of 22 Image Credits: Morning Chicness Bags

Designer Barf Bags

Price:$12.95

There are some things you just can’t pretty up, and vomit is one of them. Yes, it’s a good idea to keep a bag in your purse if you’re prone to bad morning sickness, but we don’t think a bamboo-patterned bag is going to make you feel any more zen about hurling.

3 of 22 Image Credits: Imprintitems

Temperature Test Duck

Price:$2.95

No one wants to scald their child with too-hot bath water, but we’re a bit puzzled by this ducky. You have to pick it up and turn it over to check the temp gauge underneath, at which point wouldn’t you have just felt the water?

4 of 22 Image Credits: Amazon

Play-Cologne

Price:$15.00

Perfume is supposed to make you feel alluring, not remind you of that time you spent an hour getting Play-Doh out of the carpet. So we don’t really get this limited-edition scent, which says “playtime” more than “sexytime.”

5 of 22 Image Credits: Mommysentials

Bathroom Baby Harness

Price:$39.99

Ok, we admit, this has happened to us: you’re busting to use the bathroom while wearing your baby, and there’s not a germ-free spot to put him down while you do your business. Solution: this hanging harness. However, you have to remember to cram it into your already crowded diaper bag—and this unique situation will probably occur maybe four times in your life, which comes out to about $10 per pee.

6 of 22 Image Credits: Amazon

Baby Bum Fan

Price:$7.99

If your babe’s prone to diaper rash, you know it’s a good idea to let his nether regions air out. But you know what works well for that? Plain old air, not the kind pushed out by whirring blades aimed at the family jewels.

7 of 22 Image Credits: Etsy

Placenta Brooch

Price:$18.00

Some people wear their heart on their sleeve, others wear their afterbirth on their lapel.

8 of 22 Image Credits: Peter Potty

Toddler Urinal

Price:$39.99

Who doesn’t want more pee receptacles in their home bathroom?

9 of 22 Image Credits: Babikini

Baby String Bikini

Price:$30.00

Two-piece swimsuits do make for easier diaper changes, but does the bikini have to look like something straight off the beaches of Brazil? Also, reality check: these string ‘kinis, which are available in sizes starting at birth, are too tiny to actually wear with a diaper. Now that’s a pool evacuation waiting to happen.

10 of 22 Image Credits: Tutortog Shop

Shirts that Stimulate Babies

Price:$30.00

You’d give up a lot for your kids—lazy weekends, a flat stomach, a clean car—but do you have to give up your sense of style too? Infants might like the black and white patterns on these shirts, but they’re making everyone else’s eyes bleed.

11 of 22 Image Credits: Amazon

Baby Perfume

Price:$25.00

Babies are born with their own luscious signature scent called Eau de Baby Head. Why would you want to cover it up with something from a bottle?

12 of 22 Image Credits: Mama Breast

Breastfeeding Simulator

Price:$1,199.99

Can’t nurse? No problem! Just strap on this comfy-looking contraption. Or, um, just buy a bottle.

13 of 22 Image Credits: Etsy

Handkerchief Bracelet

Price:$76.13

We’ve all been there: you notice a little something hanging off your kid’s nose, and you don’t have any tissues on hand. The Snozzie makes sure you always have a handkerchief at the ready, but we can’t get past the fact that for the rest of the day, you’ll be wearing boogers.

14 of 22 Image Credits: Etsy

Fetus Necklace

Price:$59.40

You’ve heard of a conversation starter? This is the ultimate conversation stopper. “My, what a pretty necklace! What is it?” “A fetus. In a jar of blood.” “…”

15 of 22 Image Credits: Amazon

Parent and Child Leash

Price:$9.99

Because the humiliation of treating your kid like the family pet is not enough, now there’s a fanny pack attachment that adults can wear to stay physically connected to their child.

16 of 22 Image Credits: Walmart

Ride-on Vacuum

Price:$40.28

Wouldn’t it be great if your kids would do the vacuuming for you? The only problem is that most kids we know are petrified of the vac. Also, letting them go to town with major sucking power doesn’t seem like the best idea we’ve heard.

17 of 22 Image Credits: One Step Ahead

Walking Helper

Price:$29.95

Those few weeks when baby wants to walk but still needs to hold your hands are indeed hard on your back. But this sounds equally hard: wrestling your baby into this harness approximately 57 times a day.

18 of 22 Image Credits: Biz Chair

Toddler Changing Table

Price:$808.00

With diaper changes made this easy and convenient, why ever learn to use the potty at all?

19 of 22 Image Credits: UpSpring

Slimming Wrap

Price:$39.99

Haven’t lost the baby weight yet? Don’t waste your time with healthy eating or exercise. Just tug on this waist wrap fortified with caffeine to help “remove fat.” Um, we’re pretty sure that if caffeine got rid of fat, most sleep-deprived new moms would look like Kate Moss.

20 of 22 Image Credits: Etsy

Birth Doll

Price:$55.00

Kids might have questions about exactly how that baby in your belly’s going to come out. Why not just show them with this extremely graphic birth doll, complete with detachable placenta?

21 of 22 Image Credits: Etsy

Another Birth Doll

Price:$150.00

This birth doll takes the TMI a step further with extreme anatomical correctness. Is it just us, or is it cold in the birthing center?

22 of 22 Image Credits: Etsy

…And Yet Another Birth Doll

Price:$65.00

This “Frankentoy” depicts a dinosaur with a flamingo head and Nemo arms giving birth to Mickey Mouse. And you thought your labor turned you into a monster…