The Short of It
Cleaning up your kid's puke is no joke, just ask Ben Patterson.
Ben Patterson was having a bad night. After swapping cars with his wife so she could go out with friends while he watched the kids, his son Declan projectile vomited in the backseat.
Fun times! The freaked out dad quickly snapped a pic of his puke-covered kid and sent it to his wife—who was completely unresponsive. But that didn't stop Patterson from continuing to text her—a total of 28 times!—while simultaneously trying to clean up the car and, you know, pass a breathalyzer test.
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I could try and explain it, but I think it would be more fun to let the one-sided texts tell the story:
So this just happened
I just pulled over and am trying not to throw up myself
I just threw up trying to clean him up
It smells SO BAD
I seriously don't know what to do, I'm barfing every time I try to clean him up
Too funny! And also so gross. I just hope he wiped his hands off before he started to type, you know? Meanwhile, things were about to get even worse. Because Patterson had apparently stopped in front of some lady's front lawn, and when she saw him throw up, she figured he was drunk and decided to call the police.
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Here's how it all went down:
I'm puking on some lady's lawn in Burlingame and she comes out to ask me if I'm drunk while driving the kids
I'm trying to explain that I'm a sympathetic vomiter and can't handle the smell
This is so bad
Aaaaand now the cops showed up
Aaaaand now a breathalyzer
YOU OWE ME SO BIG
Is a sympathetic vomiter a real thing? Or did Patterson coin that phrase himself? Doesn't matter, because he basically crushed the breathalyzer test and then finally started to head home with his kid—who, by the way, was still throwing up:
Meanwhile Declan continues to barf
WHAT DID HE EAT BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTING WHALE BLUBBER
ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!!!
At least I passed the breathalyzer
Trying to drive home with the windows down and breathing through my shirt
Been there, done that.
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What a story, right? And of course, after Patterson posted screenshots of his text messages to Facebook, the whole thing went viral and Patterson has become a reluctant hero of sorts.
Of course, if his wife was the one who sent the string of freaked out texts, we'd probably all be condemning her for being a bad, whiny mom. Which is why I like to think she was off at a bar somewhere doing shots with her friends when her husband's messages started coming through; and not only did she see each and every one, but she read them outloud to the entire bar and turned the whole thing into a drinking game.
Chug everytime he uses all caps!
Welcome to parenthood, Ben!